4 Secrets to Motivating Others

Do you care more about knowing all the answers or about motivating real change?

Motivating others is a critical skill if you are a manager, a team leader, an entrepreneur, a trusted advisor, or a parent. How can you overcome resistance? How can you help others make changes that last?

Even when we have authority over others through our positions, contracts, or social relationships, we have all seen instances when the behaviors we expect from others just don’t happen.

**Carrots and Sticks**

Daniel Pink, in his bestseller Drive, makes the point that we believe the best way to motivate others is with extrinsic rewards. These are things outside of ourselves, like money, awards, special favors. The proverbial dangling carrot. Pink deftly points out the huge gap between what science knows about how people are motivated and how business assumes people are motivated.

The proverbial carrot often keeps company with the proverbial stick. Using the threat of negative consequences to motivate others is the flip side of extrinsic motivation.

There are times when carrots and sticks are the best tools, but most of the time they don’t get long-term results. And they often backfire. Employees may resent you or are not entirely honest with you. You can’t seem to build loyalty or high performance in your team.

We use the extrinsic reward/threat system in every part of our life. Don’t we motivate our younger children with bribes of special treats and threats of punishment? We hold power over our teenagers in the form of the keys to the family car, curfews, and special privileges. How about our significant others?

Can you think of examples of times you have attempted to get others to behave in certain ways through promises or threats? I sure can. . .

It’s not that extrinsic rewards/threats don’t work. They often do. . .

**Rewarding Behaviors**

. . . but intrinsic rewards almost always work better.

What is an intrinsic reward? It’s something that satisfies a deep interest or desire. Money is nice as a motivator. But money is only a means to satisfy a deeper desire. What is that desire? When you learn what provides intrinsic motivation, you are in a position to get real, lasting results from your motivation efforts.

**How to Motivate Others Effectively**

1. Ask Open-Ended Questions. . . and then really listen to the answers.

When we ‘know what’s best’ for someone else or we feel time constraints, we often ask leading questions. Many elicit a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. “Don’t you think you should clean your room?” “Do you understand how important it is that you complete the report on time?” “Would you agree that you have a problem?”

Such questions elicit two responses: resistance and shutting down. You may get compliance but it will be superficial and resentful.

You may be the expert – you may truly know what is best for someone else. But that knowledge won’t take you far if they’re not on board with you.

Instead, ask questions designed to reveal their underlying interests. Questions like “What would make cleaning your room more enjoyable?” “We both want to ensure you complete the report on time. What would help you do that?” “Tell me more about what you would like to see happen.”

The next step is equally important. Repeat their answers to them and ask if you understood. “So it sounds like you have been struggling with keeping yourself motivated. Have I got that right?”

2. Check your own Motivation.

Honestly now – do you care more about changing someone’s behavior or about exhibiting your power and saving your time?

If you find yourself taking the expert role, or thinking condescending thoughts toward the other, you will limit your ability to change their behavior. You sense it when others behave that way with you. You probably don’t like it. Neither do others.

Sure, you might be able to force a person to change. But how lasting is the change? Probably only for as long as you can observe them.

3. Use Collaborative Language.

So long as you don’t do it in a condescending manner, using your words to partner with another to help them achieve their goals is extremely motivating.

Roger Fisher and Bill Ury, in their classic Getting to Yes, recommend using language to symbolically move the other to your side of the table. Instead of feeling like you are facing one another as adversaries, you both feel that you’re sitting side-by-side facing the problem as a team. This approach can be very motivating. Use open-ended questions like “How can we work together to achieve that result?” “Since we want the same outcome, how can I support you in making it possible?”

4. Don’t assume you see the problem the same way.

You may be motivated to see his productivity improve. But he may be motivated to do other types of projects. You may wish to motivate her to attend AA meetings and stop drinking. But she may be more conce
ed about securing childcare for her children and finding a job. Ultimately, he may also care about improving productivity. She may decide to attend meetings and stop drinking. But until you acknowledge and address their primary conce
s, they will resist your efforts to motivate them.

We are inescapably intertwined with the others in our lives. We often want to see others change – maybe because their behavior is hurting us or those we care about, because we recognize their potential, or because we simply care about them. Too often, we go about ‘helping’ in the wrong way.

What matters more to you? Knowing all the answers or motivating real change in others?

To Your Success,

Kate