A "Whats-Best-for-Our-Child" Mindset is Critical in Co-Parenting After a Divorce or Separation

Disagreements regarding your children are natural when a marriage or relationship ends. Each parent's life moves on in a new direction and as a result disagreements arise about custody, visitation, and decision-making regarding the children. A look at the policies behind Califo
ia's custody laws may help prevent and reduce disagreements because the policies are focused on what serves children's best interests. For that reason, separated and divorced parents may benefit from understanding the rationale a judge would use even if they are not in litigation and especially if they are. In general, these policies focus on putting children's' needs first and acting in harmony with an ex for the benefit of children.

For example, oftentimes, disagreements occur regarding education. Parents may disagree on a particular school, curriculum and or activity. A natural response is to assume the other parent is simply being difficult. This instinctual reaction should be identified and avoided. If a judge were making the decision on a particular school, he or she would focus on the school that is best for the child. The court would want to know why a particular school stands out overall as well as for that particular child. Parents may use this thought process to eliminate or reduce disagreements too. Instead of demanding that one school is better simply because you picked it and you feel you know your child best, try investigating the school in a detailed fashion and relay why it appears to be a good choice for your child to your co-parent. Concurrently, welcome the other parent to do the same with other schools and give them true consideration. Throughout this process keep an open mind and a focus on the child. The results may be surprising- you and your ex may agree. If so, this may lead to more agreements because a level of trust is built based on the genuine focus on your child's needs. Even if this does not work, and if the decision did get to a judge, the identifiable effort would give the effort-making parent an advantage.

Another court policy that may help in all co-parenting situations is to avoid any type of alienation. Judges frown upon alienation of any type because alienation does not serve a child's best interests. After any break-up, anger, sadness and or resentment may be present. Understanding this reality and that your reaction to it may harm a child's overall well-being is critical. Make sure to let children know that your co-parent loves them even if you do not get along with your co-parent. Encourage visitations instead of interfering with them. For example, do not plan activities during your ex's time with your child. This not only prevents bonding but it puts the other parent in a difficult situation because he or she may appear to be the cause of a child missing something fun when they follow through with a visit and that isn't really the case. The policy in Califo
ia is that bonding time is a priority. Children must know both parents love them and want to be with them in order to flourish. If these efforts are made, over time the co-parenting relationship will grow too. Sometimes appropriate counseling and or parenting classes may help. Again, if a dispute still exists after a co-parent has made efforts to foster a bond between a child an an ex, the judge will favor the efforts.

In general, maintaining a "whats-best-for-the-child" mindset is critical to help your child have a healthy upbringing and to strengthen your co-parenting relationship with your ex. This mindset will be clear through the actions taken and if custody decisions do ultimately go to the court a judge will see this and it will help your overall cause.