Are you a Perfectionist? PART TWO: Ways to Overcome Perfectionism

To truly conquer perfectionism requires a complete overhaul in how you view yourself and others. It may require professional counseling. But rest assured that right here and now, there are some concrete things you can do to alleviate the pain of being a perfectionist. The first step in overcoming perfectionism is to become aware of how it is affecting you. Then you can take concrete steps to address it.

First, review the list of Symptoms of Perfectionism described in PART ONE of this article. Are you a perfectionist? Which description(s) sounds most like you?

If you are judgmental:

Start to monitor your thoughts. When you find yourself passing judgment on yourself or others, pause. Congratulate yourself for noticing what you just did. Now, ask yourself if there’s another way of viewing the situation. For example, if you just thought, “Wow, what an awful outfit Max is wearing” consider (a) Max is dressing the best she can, given her pocketbook and taste, (b) Max may be a fashion maven who is expressing herself in ways you're not appreciating, (c) Max is so frazzled at work and home that she threw on whatever was at hand and you’re lucky she remembered to don her pants at all, and/or (d) Max doesn’t care a hoot about how her outfit looks so why should you? Or brainstorm any other possible way of reframing your original assessment. Bonus points if you can make yourself laugh.

Warning: this will be exhausting at first. Judgmental perfectionists are apt to be thinking critical thoughts almost every waking moment. But if you start to notice these thoughts and address them, you’ll have fewer and fewer of them. Over time, you’ll view yourself and others more charitably, which will feel so much better.

If you are chronically dissatisfied:

Start to shift to ‘good enough’. Begin each day by telling yourself that your life is pretty darned good. It may not be ‘perfect’, but it’s pretty darned good. Expand on this by listing your blessings, no matter how small. (I’m breathing. I have access to food. I can tie my own shoes). Look for ANYTHING about which you can feel gratitude, according to MJ Ryan, and you will feel better. Look for opportunities to feel ‘good enough’ throughout the day. (My sandwich isn’t ‘perfect’ but it’s tasty enough, it’s quelling my hunger and it’s fueling my body).

When you assess your work or your performance, consciously make an effort to emphasize the positive, rather than jumping to the negative aspects (as tends to be the natural tendency of many perfectionists).

Aim for ‘good enough’, rather than perfect. Consider that ‘good enough’ is 95% of perfect. If ‘good enough’ means happy and content whereas ‘perfect’ means stressed and critical, isn’t is worth giving up 5% of perfect to be at ease and more satisfied?

If you are controlling:

Many perfectionists have been control freaks for their entire lives. HOWEVER, it is possible to change, if you really want to. Believe me, I know how tough it is…but to the extent that you can relinquish some control, you’ll be happier.

But how? Some people find it helpful to hand things over to a higher power – to God or the universe. Some rely on the Serenity Prayer (God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference) written by Reinhold Niebuhr.

But if you’re reading this article, odds are, you are seeking some practical, concrete ways to let go. For example, look for opportunities to practice giving control to others. Let your spouse pick the DVD. Allow your co-worker draft the document.

The next time you have a decision to make, write the possible choices on pieces of paper, fold them, mix them up and pick a paper. Let that be your choice.

Over time, with practice, try relinquishing control over ‘bigger’ things. When you find yourself clinging to something, stressed out and frantic, try loosening the reins. To the extent possible, try out the old saying, “If you love something, set it free.” You may find that letting go gets you the outcome you wanted…albeit in unexpected ways.

If you are anxious:

Instead of obsessing over your ‘to do’ lists, focus on the state you’d like to be in such as ‘happy’ or ‘at peace’ or ‘content’. For example, instead of rolling out of bed, asking “what do I need to do today?” and generating a list more suitable for a dozen people, ask yourself “how can I find joy today?”

Meditation practices are proven anxiety busters for perfectionists. Also, read my three articles on Fear for more ideas.

If you are plagued with persistent negative thoughts:

Monitor your thoughts. When you find yourself thinking negatively, stop. Pat yourself on the back for noticing. Now: write down that negative thought. (e.g. I’m a failure). Ask yourself what it’s costing you to believe this. (e.g. It’s de-motivating, I’m depressed, I don’t have much energy for my creative work or anything else, I’m not pleasant to be around, etc.) Now, ask what evidence there is that contradicts your negative idea. Identify facts that dispute the negative thought. (e.g. I may not have published that book but I’ve published plenty of articles. My spouse and friends love me and they’re pretty astute people so I can’t be a total loser. I’ve succeeded at many things in life and will do so again, etc.). Then, ask yourself, what is a more reasonable way of thinking? What is the thought that I would prefer to have in my head? (e.g. I am a competent person who is loved and who is doing the best they can).

If you apply this proven technique consistently, over time your negative thoughts will develop the habit of automatically identifying negative thoughts, addressing them and shifting them into more helpful thoughts. Overcoming persistent negative thoughts is a long-term process…and it is completely do-able.

A complementary technique that is crude but effective: wear a thick elastic on your wrist. Whenever you have a negative thought, snap the elastic. It will hurt (briefly) and will immediately interrupt the negativity. It seems odd but if you do this for a few days, the frequency of your negative thoughts will diminish…you will train your brain to avoid dipping into negative territory quite so often.

If you are Obsessive/Compulsive/OCD or experiencing Eating Disorders (e.g. anorexia, bulemia, etc.) or symptoms of depression:

Please get professional help. These conditions are treatable and you deserve relief from them.

Activity:
1. Review the list of Perfectionism symptoms in PART ONE of this article.
2. Identify which are true for you.
3. Re-read the section above that pertains to your most pervasive symptom.
4. Try the technique(s) described for a week.

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(c) Liisa Kyle, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

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