***Are You a Sculptor or a Gardener?

How do you describe your job as a parent? Do the tasks include protector and supporter providing food, warmth, and comfort? Do you see yourself as the guide and advisor for your child as she moves from childhood, through adolescents and into young adulthood? No matter what your child’s age or stage you probably consider your job to include all of these ideas and more. Being a good parent is much more of an art than a science. Do you see your parenting job more as a sculptor or gardener? A sculptor uses creativity and experience as he imagines the end result of his project. Using his artistic skills, he molds, carves, and bends toward the creative vision. A gardener uses soil, sunshine, and water to nourish seeds that will grow into the plants inner potential. Certainly gardeners imagine what the end result of their labor will be, choosing the plants and flowers to create the beautiful or bountiful garden. But a gardener will not ask a daisy to produce what a tomato plant can, while a sculptor turns marble stone into great statues. A sculptor might turn a chunk of clay into a coffee mug or an oak log into a salad bowl. A skilled gardener will grow the lettuce to fill the salad bowl, or plant a pumpkin seed for a pumpkin. Once harvested a ten-year old sculptor may carve the pumpkin into a Halloween Jack-o-Lantern. By now the metaphor is becoming clear. A parent as a gardener works with the inner potential of his child, nourishing and supporting her to be whatever her inner potential is. A parent as a sculptor uses exte al forces to mold and bend her child to match the expectations of her, the sculptor parent. Peaceful Parenting® means that it is better to be a parent who follows the path of a gardener and your child’s inner potential rather than a sculptor trying to mold and bend your child to match your expectations and demands. However, there are times when parent as sculptor is necessary and useful. When you and your family are eating at a fancy restaurant and your baby begins crying with all of her might, you are going to try and cajole and convince her to stop crying. This is a sculptor experience. When this very same baby begins crying mid-mo ing and the two of you are alone at home, the gardener in you comes out. You pick your baby up, hold her in a loving hug and sing soothingly to her. During times like these you are a patient and willing gardener, able to accept your baby’s crying for her own very good reason. You have no need to hurry her through or out of this process. Her inner feelings guide you both. But at a restaurant, you want to keep your baby from interfering and upsetting you and the other diners. You use your exte al sculpting techniques to mold and bend her, trying to get her to match your expectations. As is true with so many Peaceful Parenting® practices, the key is being conscious. Are you aware when you are gardening or when you are sculpting? Do your best to spend 90% of your time parenting as a gardener and 10% of your time parenting as a sculptor. If you follow this ratio your child will grow, develop and thrive with his own inner beauty and uniqueness shining through. You will be full of wonder and amazement as you continue to get to know who this developing person is and who she is growing to become. Idea of sculptor or gardener comes from Richard Primason, Ph.D. Visit his web site, www.choicepsychology.com to learn more and order his wonderful book, Choice Parenting.