Are you ruining your relationships by overgiving?

Over-giving

The arch nemesis of healthy balanced relationships is over-giving and unfortunately many of us do it all the time. Often girls especially are socialized to give and give and learn to feel satisfaction not from the reciprocation but from the giving process “It feels so good to know I am helping someone else”. While I am not saying it’s bad to help someone who needs it or to participate in charity work, you much make sure you are not over giving in your personal relationships to the point where you are creating an out of balance relationship with someone.

This is what I see a lot-especially from female clients “I just give and give to my family and they just don’t appreciate it” or “In my relationship with my partner it feels like I do all the work” or “my ___ (brother, sister, son…) has so many problems and I help them but it doesn’t get any better” OR what I think it is the most destructive of all “My boyfriend has so many problems, I am helping him work them out then he will be happy and we will have a great relationship”.

The thing is we do this because we are getting something out of it. In romantic relationships we think if we “fix” them they will be so grateful they will love us forever. Sorry guys but that never happens. I can tell you from both personal and professional experience that IF the person (who by the way may not actually want to get better) with your help were actually able to solve all their problems most likely they would not turn around and thank you for your help, they would most likely move on after they had healed leaving you feeling drained and used.

I have seen it so many times with woman and men who have helped people through both physical and emotional challenges only to see that person break up with them and marry the next person they meet leaving the giver feeling devastated and not knowing what happened.

It goes both ways too because often “givers” are not even open to receive. I know for myself I recently had a friend who was always giving me advise and help yet every time I tried to reciprocate she wouldn’t let me. I felt like she was getting resentful at our one sided friendship but even though I could see what was going on I couldn’t seem to do anything about it.

No healthy person wants a relationship that is not reciprocal but plenty of unhealthy people want that which is why givers so often get taken advantage of.
So how can you tell if you are over giving? Look for these signs.

-Do you send twice as many emails as you receive? -Do you feel drained after the interactions with this person or persons? -Are you expecting something from the other person that you don’t seem to be receiving? -Are you feeling taken advantage of or used (if you are feeling it, you probably are)

Now it’s easy to blame the receiver but it’s not entirely their fault. You set this up yourself by either not setting proper boundaries, over giving from the beginning and/or not being open to receive when the other person tries to reciprocate. Trust me people will only try to give to you so many times before they give up and let you keep giving without receiving anything.

The other part of this is that there are plenty of people out there who just love givers because they get to take, take, take and not have to give back. Those are all the ex-es you dumped (hopping you didn’t marry them first) because they never appreciated you.

So how do we fix this?

Oh boy that is a loaded question because the reality is even if the relationship or connection is worth saving it’s not easy for either you or the other person to change that dynamic, but it can be done and here’s a few things that can help.

1)BACK OFF-Backing off means giving space for people to give to you and if they don’t eventually invite you to coffee or ask how you are doing this may not be a connection worth saving.

2)Don’t give advise unless specifically asked for, give support. My friend Jackleen who is a professional coach is the best at this If I email her and complain about a problem I am having she says something like..”That’s rough, we all go through that sometimes” Basically she gives me support not advise unless I schedule an appointment, then I get advice. An over giver friend emails me a 2 page list of how I should fix it. Appreciated but not exactly what I wanted since she never asks me for advice. Most people prefer support unless you specifically ask for advice.

3)You don’t have to share everything: it’s ok for some cool treasures or great things you discovered to be just yours. Often we unconsciously give to others what we hope to get ourselves thinking we have “to give to get”. Next time you feel compelled to give to someone, cut out the middle man and give it to yourself.

4)Ask for something: even if you don’t really need it, this can help bring the give and take into a connection and start the ball rolling.

5)Say no sometimes: Practice this “Sorry but I can’t babysit your kids on Thursday” “Sorry, I know you are in a tough spot but I really don’t have any extra money right now” even if you don’t need to, give yourself permission to say “no” just because, its good practice for when you have to say no for a good reason.

6)Find ways of getting more fulfillment: I am a recovering severe over giver so I understand this problem well. When I got a job working in a hospital I started getting paid for what I gave and I received great satisfaction from this. The result was I stopped over giving in my personal life since that need was being met in a more healthy way. Find a healthy way of getting that need for satisfaction met in a way that allows you to keep healthy personal relationships.

7)Work on your receiving skills: Like I said most over givers are very bad receivers and you have to change that in order to create balance. Watch your receiver friends and see what they do. They tend to accept things that are offered to them even if it’s not an immediate need, they ask for what they want/need and most importantly they feel they deserve the good things they get and SO DO YOU, so practice being more like them.

This will all seem very awkward at first if you are an over giver but you have to know how important this is if you want to have healthy balanced relationship.