Bad Labels For Difficult People Make Matters Worse

Don't let anyone tell you different: The labels we apply to people have a direct impact on the way we interact with them, and the way we interact with them determines how they react to us and what results we get with them.

When people label others as ‘toxic,’ they may disempower themselves and lose access to their own communication resources. When a person says another person is ‘toxic,’ they’re actually talking about their own reaction to it. And negative reactions to bad behavior are the more pressing problem if you ever intend to solve your people problems. The patterns of difficult behavior cross cultural lines and national boundaries, and reveal the shared humanity of people everywhere. The way people respond to difficult behavior makes all the difference in the world.

Based on the research I conducted in writing my communication books, Insider's Guide To The Art Of Persuasion, and Dealing With People You Can't Stand, I believe there are three domains of interaction in play when dealing with difficult people. First is mindset, both yours and theirs. Next is your skillfulness in communication. Third, the larger context within which your interactions take place. Each of these represents an opportunity to change the relationship for the better.

What you think about something determines how you react, relate and deal with it. Your mindset is reflected in what you tell yourself about someone, the things you believe are absolutely true about the person you are having a problem with. I've observed that the frame of reference most people use with difficult people is one of self-justifying negative labels, and that this frame of reference plays a significant role in their results in dealing with pushy, negative, disruptive and wishy washy behavior.

Seems to me that most books and writers on the subject of difficult people have the unfortunate habit of assigning negative labels and bad intentions to people behaving badly, ‘them,’ while largely holding those of us who must deal with bad behavior as unaccountable for how we go about it. In my opinion, that’s a “double whammy” against dealing with difficult people effectively. Once you label someone as ‘toxic’ or ‘mean,’ ‘resistant to change,’ ‘uncaring’ or ‘stupid,’ your behavior will inevitably be organized around your reaction to the label you apply.

Don't get me wrong. I believe that bad behavior has real consequences and side effects on morale, productivity and teamwork. These are significant problems, and I’m certainly not minimizing the damage done by difficult behavior. But adding insult to injury is not the answer. The problem is that the person labeling the bad behavior as toxic winds up connecting to their own bad reactions, which makes it increasingly unlikely that they’ll be resourceful enough to bring out the best in people at their worst. The payoff is they get to be right about who is wrong. The consequence is that the situation goes from bad to worse.

I've found a better approach to bad behavior than blaming them and calling them toxic.

1. Change your mind. Assume a positive intent behind bad behavior, based on the idea that human behavior is purposeful

2. Change your approach. Approach bad behavior strategically, based on useful assumptions and skillful responses. An effective communicator is persuasive and proactive, rather than defensive and reactive.

Bad behavior is the result of a lack of flexibility and resourcefulness in dealing with a changing and uncontrollable world. It’s what people do when they perceive that their good intentions are being thwarted by the behavior of others, and they run out of options for dealing with it. In this way, everyone becomes someone’s difficult person at least some of the time, by being pushy, negative, disruptive, vague, self absorbed, or completely withdrawn.

Now there are exceptions when it comes to this approach, such as when your problem person has a substance abuse problem, or is in some other way truly mentally disturbed (manic depressive, narcissistic, etc.) In such cases, most people just aren’t equipped with the time, interest or skills to interact with these problem behaviors effectively. Changing your mind about that person’s bad behavior is still a good first step. Stop taking it personally, and it won’t be ‘toxic’ to you. Step two is get help if possible ... professional support for yourself, professional intervention for the person sourcing the problem, or where no help is available, keep your distance and/or get as far away as fast as possible.

I blog about this and other ideas that can help you to get better results with all kinds of people. But the place to start is with your labels. Because your labels play a foundational role.