Barbie Never Talked Back: Five Questions to Improve Your Leadership Ability

It’s one thing to talk about leadership theory, about the need to have high expectations and hold people accountable. It’s another thing altogether to actually do it, to find the right frame of mind, the right process, and the right tone. Not long ago, a few EWF members had a conversation about how one of them could handle a situation with a capable yet unproductive employee. We talked about how difficult it is to find just the right words to bring out the best in that person and hold them accountable. That’s when one member said, “I never learned how to have these conversations. Barbie never talked back.”

As young girls we played with dolls, dressed them up, combed their hair, and entered a world of make believe, a world of our own making, where everyone got along. Our dolls didn’t argue with us, come up with excuses, or become passive-agressive. They did what we wanted them to do because they were a reflection of us; we put the words in their mouths. They were our mirror of ourselves and we’re nothing if not nice and cooperative.

Clinical studies in children from pre-school through age seven indicate that when girls talk they seem to have a double agenda: they want to be “nice” and sustain social relationships, while at the same time working to achieve their own individual ends. Girls are not unassertive -- girls do successfully pursue their own ends, but they do so while toning down coercion and dominance, trying to bring about agreement and restoring or maintaining group functions.

Women’s brains are wired to be relationship oriented; we’re afraid of hurting people’s feelings or disturbing harmony. We’re afraid of being seen as demanding or controlling. Most of all, we’re afraid someone won’t like us.

These same factors that make us great at relationships can take their toll on us emotionally. Our strengths overused become weaknesses. We sometimes give harmonious relationships a higher priority than results. In our desire for harmony, we fear that holding someone accountable or having high expectations will lead to a confrontation and who wants that?

As leaders however, our responsibility is to solve problems and achieve results. So when I struggle with holding people accountable, setting limits or holding to my high expectations, it’s time to look inward. The person I need to focus on is not the employee – it’s me.

To help you discover what might be holding you back, spend some time reflecting on the following five questions: nn* Are you living out of an old script that says “nice girls don’t confront?” (Remember that the word confront also means to tackle, deal with, or meet head-on; not necessarily to threaten.) nn* Would you rather be liked or respected?nn* Is it more important to you to be nice or to be effective?nn* In what ways are you avoiding tension?nn* In what ways are you giving away your power?

Our biggest awareness comes when we realize these are not “either/or” choices. When we treat people with respect, we can be both nice and effective. When we lead with values, we can be both respected and liked. When we hold people accountable, we are creating value for the company and for them. When we confront problems or behavior, we are leading, not avoiding. The critical key to leadership is self awareness. It’s not about them—it’s about us.