Being in Integrity

The Forming – Storming – Norming – Performing model of group development was first proposed by Bruce Tuckman in 1965, who maintained that these phases are all necessary and inevitable in order for the team to grow, to face up to challenges, to tackle problems, to find solutions, to plan work, and to deliver results. This model has become the basis for subsequent models of group development and team dynamics and a management theory frequently used to describe the behavior of existing teams.
-- Wikipedia

This model is applicable to all of our relationships – both at work and at home. In a new relationship, we get to know one another as we begin the forming phase. At our own pace, we move into storming as we work through how to function within our relationship. During this phase, it is natural for all of us (particularly with our significant others which is the most intense of relationships) to face challenges, act out and experience a range of triggered feelings. Learning how to make choices that honour our uniqueness and build our relationship takes time and attention.

During norming we agree on rules, values, behaviour, shared ways of being, doing tasks and even taboos. Having the inner confidence and courage to claim our lives as our own is particularly important during this phase. Here we may lose our sense of self if the norming behaviors become so strong we exhibit the same preferences, opinions, style, interests, needs and wants. Called groupthink in teams, I coin this ‘couplethink’ in intimate relationships or ‘over-norming’ in all close relationships as the diversity of being human isn’t being honoured.

Ask yourself: how familiar is this pattern in my closest relationships? What are my beliefs that might support over-norming?

For instance, to feel safe, how much is the pleaser in the driver’s seat? Is over-norming about an avoidance of conflict? Or is there a lack of awareness of my own wants and needs? Is it possible that I might have a low sense of worth or unclear boundaries that support a separate identity? Is there a rule that says to be close we ‘should’ think alike?
Once you name what may be stopping you from showing up as you in your closest relationships, other questions may arise. How do I stay in touch with my own self in order to make choices that may be separate from those with whom I’m closest? How do I listen to and express my own inner voice? In other words, how do I collaborate without compromising who I am?

What I have seen in my clients and within myself is that it’s important to keep checking in with all that makes up who we are to ensure we are living ‘in integrity’. Deep listening will inform us about what feels right…and what doesn’t. Being in integrity means everything lines up – our intuition, words, actions and feelings – so that there isn’t any edgy feeling of doubt within us. We know at a body level our current choice feels right to us in this moment.

Deeply listening to our inner selves requires us to focus on the present moment. It is also helpful to know ourselves, especially our values. In coaching, values are defined as what we uniquely identify as important to our own sense of aliveness and well-being. For instance, my primary value is personal growth and spirituality; my life partner’s top value is creativity. We both value exploring and trying new experiences. Knowing this about each other opens the door to holding differences.

For all of us, our own commitment to being in integrity encourages us to relate to all those who are close to us from a soulful place. Rather than trying to control or manipulate them to be and think like us, we respect and support our close circle of relationships to live their lives ‘in integrity’ as well.

It is then we are able to perform in relationship as individuals. We are able to truly share our own selves with each other because we have separate identities that are accepted and respected. We act according to this question: what does Life want from me in this relationship in this moment? We know what to do step-by-step as we listen to our inner voice.

What I know is that when I live from the place of trusting and honouring myself in relationship, I come from spacious open-heartedness. I listen to my soul - the truth of who I truly am, that which is connected to Spirit shining through me uniquely as me. And I am more available to hold this space for my partner.

As a famous poet puts it:

Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful, living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each other to see the other whole against the sky. -- Rainer Maria Rilke

This month, I invite you to incline your mind to the wholeness of being ‘in integrity’ and simply notice the impact on you and your closest relationships.