*** Best Tips for Reducing Whining

How many times have you heard “It’s not fair!” and responded, “Well, life’s not fair, get over it!” Probably more times than you’d like to count!

Or perhaps your child wants to do everything her friend gets to do and says to you “Emily gets to do it, why can’t I?”

When talking with your children, there’s a positive way to respond to their “whines” that builds respect and positive regard and a negative way that’s likely to result in hurt feelings.

Check out six of the most common whines (identified by Laura Hilgers, who wrote the Feb., 2008 Parents article that I’m featured in) and read my suggestions below on the best way to respond to your child’s whines.

1. Whine: “It’s not fair!”
What you shouldn’t say: “Life’s not fair.”
Why not? It’s not comforting and it shuts down the door to communication.
What you should say instead: Use empathy: “It’s really hard isn’t it? Your sister gets to go to a birthday party and you have to stay home.”
Why? It helps the child to feel understood.

2. Whine: “But whhhhhyyyyy?”
What you shouldn’t say: “Because I said so.”
Why not? Using your parental authority can be a trump card that you use, but I recommend that you use it sparingly.
What you should say instead: Give a 1 or 2 sentence explanation on why the behavior is inappropriate or appropriate.
Why? The goal is for the child to learn self-control. The child will be better able to internalize the rationale and repeat the behavior even when you’re not around if you take a moment to explain it.

3. Whine: “You can’t make me.”
What you shouldn’t say: “Oh, yes I can.”
Why not? This sets up a power struggle and in fact, escalates the standoff.
What you should say instead: I have an on-line parent education class with 19 ways to gain more compliance, but in a nutshell, you can make it a game, use humor or set a consequence.
Why? You need to nip defiance in the bud.

4. Whine: “Daddy would let me.”
What you shouldn’t say: “But Daddy’s not here.”
Why not? It’s inconsequential that Daddy’s not there. You need the child to do what you said.
What you should say instead: “That’s nice, but right now I need you to do X. I’ll talk to dad about it later.”
Why? The child may be manipulating you and trying to play one parent off of the other. You also want the child to learn that whether it’s the teacher, the baby-sitter or just one parent, s/he needs to listen to the adult in charge at the time.

5. Whine: “But Emily [or some other child] gets to!”
What not to say: “I don’t care what Emily’s parents let her do.”
Why not? It’s never good practice to start out with “I don’t care.” What the child hears is “I don’t care about you and your feelings.” The child feels hurt and tunes you out after that.
What you should say instead: “Different families have different rules and in our family (state the rule).”
Why? As a parent, you’re modeling to your child that “I don’t succumb to peer pressure to make my decisions. I make decisions that will keep you safe.”

6. Whine: “But I waaaannnnt it!”
What not to say: “You can’t always get what you want.”
Why not? It doesn’t offer the child hope or possible solutions.
What you should say instead? “It looks like a fun toy. Should we add it to your birthday list or would you like to save your allowance money for it?
Why? Delaying gratification and learning money management skills are essential skills for your child to learn. It also takes the burden off of you to provide for your child’s every want and shifts the responsibility to your child.

It's hard to stop your child from whining entirely, but if you use these parenting tips, you'll certainly reduce the whining at your house.