Couple Communication: Can You Really Not Communicate?

I often hear couples complain that they cannot talk about anything. Does that really happen? Think about what would happen in your relationship if you really, literally could not talk to your spouse--about anything. How would you exchange information about work, daily routines, groceries and other products needed, bills to be paid, etc., if you literally could not communicate. Living in a house with another person takes a certain amount of cooperation and teamwork.

When a couple tells me that they cannot communicate, they are usually talking about inability to problem solve without escalating or withdrawing and inability to maintain emotional closeness. In close relationships, communication is essential for two people to feel closeness and to maintain that closeness over time. Without communication, each partner may be constantly making faulty interpretations of the other's behavior. There is plenty of room for confusion when there is no communication. Any two people living together rarely have the same information at the same time. Confusion about the other person's motives, intentions, and actual behavior causes a tremendous amount of conflict and distress in relationships.

How can you maintain trust, if you have no idea what the other person is doing, feeling, or thinking. You can only guess at whether they will be there for you when you need them. How can a person feel secure and safe in a relationship when they don't know where they stand, when the important questions are unanswered: Does s/he love me? Does s/he like me? Does s/he respect me? Is s/he committed to the relationship? Does s/he appreciate the things I do for him/her? Are there things that I do that s/he does not like? Is s/he happy? Did s/he intend to hurt my feelings?

Good communication prevents a lot of confusion and resentment. With good communication you can accurately and effectively convey love, acceptance, desire for connection, and contentment.

What happens if you can’t or don’t communicate? Couples who cannot or will not take the time to communicate typically have intimacy issues, including sexual problems. They are handicapped in their abilities to convey and experience feeling close or connected. They typically either do not know, or do not believe that they are loved, accepted, and understood. They often have an absence of shared meanings and have difficulty resolving confusion and miscommunication. They may be so detached that they do not know they have miscommunicated.

The feeling side of the relationship gets ignored. Yet feelings have to go somewhere. When they are not being verbally expressed, they tend to be acted out through aggression, passive aggression, sabotage, dirty fight tactics, controlling behavior, withdrawing, escaping through addictions (i.e. alcohol, pornography, work, tv, etc.). The acting out of feelings is not a good way to communicate them. It leaves too much room for misinterpretation. People often act out in ways that would indicate the opposite of what they actually feel. Such defensive behavior prevents partners from actually being known by each other. To be known, you must be able to share your inner experiences. Communication is necessary to know and to be known.