Couples and Money: Don’t Let Financial Stress Ruin Your Relationship

Financial fear is creating tremendous stress for many couples. Yet, money problems can actually help couples draw closer together, rather than tearing them apart.

The “statistic” that money is the number one cause of divorce is absolutely false. While financial disagreements may be the symptom of problems in the relationship, they are not the cause. At the same time, money often becomes the currency of emotion in a relationship. And in this economic environment, romantic partners may find themselves using money as a substitute for addressing common areas of relationship challenges, including:

Anger: There is danger in anger. If one person in a relationship does not feel his or her needs are important, or feels they are not being met, he or she may use money to express anger. Resulting behaviors can include overspending, or closing the purse strings so the other spouse has no money to spend.

Neglect: Someone who feels neglected physically or emotionally by their partner may use shopping as a form of retail therapy. Or a spouse who feels guilty about neglecting his or her partner may overspend out of guilt. Either way, any feelings of relief will vanish quickly after the shopping spree is over.

Lack of communication: Many couples have no idea how much they are spending, either separately or together. It’s also common for one spouse to handle the money, and for the other one to be in the dark. Hiding purchases and secret credit card debt can create additional pressure. When couples start communicating about money, they often find communication improving in other areas of their life as well.

After working with numerous couples with different money styles over the years, I’ve developed effective ways to help couples achieve their financial goals together. A few of my tips:

Use your words. While young children who act out physically are encouraged to “use their words” rather than hit or fight, adults need to be reminded of this advice from time to time. If you’re angry or upset with your partner, don’t just grab the plastic and head to the mall. Talk about your feelings, or at least write them down. Many people spend money unconsciously, so simply recognizing your feelings can be a first step.

Talk about your feelings, rather than your partner’s behavior. A person will tune out his or her partner as soon as their behavior is criticized or questioned. It is much easier to be heard when you focus on your own feelings. Discussing your partner’s behavior, on the other hand, often makes him or her feel attacked or belittled.

Take time to discover each other’s real needs. Sometimes one partner will have unrealistic fantasies about where they should be financially, but more often they are confusing needs with wants. What most couples really need – affection and understanding, for example – aren’t available in a store. I am fond of pointing out that you can never have enough of what you don’t need.

Create a plan together: Never has it been more important for couples and families to make the time and effort to implement a spending and financial plan together. It’s vital to present a unified front in the face of economic fear and uncertainty. Tracking your spending together is just the beginning of a positive relationship with each other, as well as with money.