Creating Healthy Boundaries in All Your Relationships

Are you one of those people who just can't say "No"? If you are, know that this way of being is simply not good for you and the people around you. You might be asking yourself how can being nice all the time be bad for me and others. Here's how it's bad for you: When you always say "Yes" to requests for help, or invitations to go places or to do things that interfere with your normal schedule you are most certainly putting stress on your mind, body and spirit. You are also not allowing yourself and others the much needed time to recharge, relax and grow as an individual. Most likely you learned by your parents or some other significant person that saying no isn't nice and it is better to be a people pleaser. Many people who have this problem are also called "enablers" because they enable others to stay stuck in unhealthy habits and attitudes by saying yes to all their demands.

Here is a great example of enabling behavior; your son has lost his license because of a DUI, this makes his life difficult in a number of ways because he no longer has the freedom to jump in his car and go. His lesson to learn in this situation is that he must be accountable for his actions. Utilizing mass transit to get to his job and home at the end of the day over a period of time will make an impression on all areas of his life that will help him to never drink and drive again. In this scenario his mother enables him to stay stuck in his drinking and not allow him to learn his lesson and grow, by feeling sorry for him and driving him wherever he wants whenever he requests it, she just can't say No, and her son thinks; "Oh this isn't so bad." This is just one example of how people pleasing behavior can be damaging to the growth of an individual.

I tell people who have this problem to practice saying the word No with conviction in the mirror every day for a month as they begin to integrate this new way of being in their life. Some people say to me, how do I handle that sudden phone call that takes me off guard with a request to go somewhere or to help out. The first thing to do is to tell the person on the other end of the phone that you are busy even if your not and that you will call them back. Certainly, everyone is entitled to think things through before they give an answer. This will also give you time to catch your breath and relax with your answer if it is "no". Call that person back and simply say; I've checked my schedule and I will not be available to do this or that, but thanks for thinking of me, maybe some other time. Or you can say, I would like to help you with that project but I have a prior commitment.

I advise people that it's okay to say these things even if they aren't true because you are learning that your time is just as valuable as anyone else, and that saying no doesn't make you a bad person. It's important for you to really consider your own time and feelings. In this way you are teaching other people to be less reliant on you to get their needs met, to respect you and to grow on their own. And this my friends'.....is a healthy way to be!