Creating Your Own Support System

I recently was asked by another mother at home, "What do you find most difficult about being an at-home mother?" I replied, "No sick leave, days off, or vacation time. Hey, let's form a union!" We both laughed at the idea of a mothers' union, but we realized we already had the next best thing: our mothers at home support group. A little over a year has passed since I mentioned at a La Leche League meeting that I wanted to start a support group for mothers at home, and ten women-tots in tow arrived at my door, hungry for adult conversation. Within a year, word of mouth and the media had spread the news, and our group unexpectedly blossomed into a nonprofit organization for mothers who have chosen to stay at home. We now have four mothers' groups and dozens of other supportive services. We've learned so much from our experiences that others interested in networking with fellow moms at home might benefit from the ideas and experiences that helped us get started. nnNeed for Support Isolation and loneliness are such universal feelings among at-home moms that Arlene Cardozo says in her book, Sequencing (New York: Atheneum, 1986) that the difficulties of adjusting to being at home are the following: loss of identity, loss of a system of rewards and expectations, and loss of a community of co-workers. All except the last usually are resolved during the first year of transition from career to home. Some women, she says, deal with these losses within themselves or have supportive extended family. Others seek out other women in similar circumstances for friendship, stimulating conversation, and networking. Many women look to their husbands for their primary sources of support. However, no one person could ever meet all the needs another person has for support and understanding, nor would it be fair to expect this. Many mothers who choose to stay at home are coming from careers where they have learned the value of on-the-job training and expertise, work-related training, prioritizing and delegating projects, negotiating workloads, and stress and time management. These women usually had established support systems by networking with other professionals who understand the difficulties and joys of their professions. As women move their careers to the home front, they are learning to transfer skills to their new profession: Mothering. nnFinding Other Moms at Homen Today's families are so mobile that they often are distant from their relatives. Their frequent moves also make it more difficult to establish close or lasting friendships. This lack of close friends can cause the mother at home to feel even more lonely and isolated. Maybe that's why today's at-home mom is making more efforts to create a circle of friends for herself. When she moves, she often places high on her list of priorities finding a neighborhood where there will be other mothers home during the days. Actually accomplishing this, though, may be quite a feat. Some women visit the prospective neighborhoods and parks during the day; they ask about other mothers at home at community centers, public schools, libraries, and nursery schools. Some churches and organizations like the YWCA, Welcome Wagon, and La Leche League help parents network with one another. Many are supportive of mothers who have chosen to stay at home, and some even have groups especially for full-time mothers. These groups may provide meeting places where mothers can talk and children can play. Some may even provide services such as workshops and family programs. Many times, mothers will meet each other while participating in these activities and will decide to get together outside class.