Criticism: How To Make It Work For You.

Giving and accepting criticism gracefully can be a tricky business.
Many a friendship or family relationship has foundered on thenshoals of major, minor, or even anticipated criticism. Performancenevaluations at school or work are minefields of misunderstoodncriticism. What makes criticism so darned difficult? And how cannwe make it easier? Some of the answers may lie in a bette
understanding of the relationship between criticism and the basicnemotion we call shame. It may seem both obvious and inevitablenthat criticism and shame should go together, until you meet someonenwho manages to listen to criticism seriously, but without reactingnwith shame or anger, even if the criticism is harsh. Such anperson has somehow learned to view criticism as potentially usefulninformation from a different perspective than her own, and to hea
it without the strong visceral reaction many of us experience.
Those of us who haven't mastered such an enlightened approach arenlikely to feel attacked, ashamed, guilty, and / or angry. Usuallynwe react with these feelings instantly before we have had a chancento evaluate the clarity or meaning of the critic's point of view.

The reason we react this way has to do with the nature of thenprimary emotion of shame and the fact that our earliest experiencesnof criticism are so often powerfully associated with shame. Shamenis one of the nine basic emotional responses with which we arenborn. Like anger, fear, and several others, it is evident inndistinctly recognizable facial expressions in very young babies.
Shame is the affect associated with surrender and defeat. It is anpowerful basic emotion because it has survival value. The defeatedndog that slinks away after the fight is demonstrating the posturenof shame, and its abject posture prevents it from being killed bynits enemy. It is an intensely uncomfortable affect, experiencedninte
ally as a kind of death, but it can be triggered in a youngnchild by almost any scolding or rejection on the part of parents,nolder siblings, or other important figures in the child's life. Asnthe personality develops, an individual's shame response may grownto emphasize either the impulse to submit and surrender or thensurge of aggression and anger that always follows the initialnsurrender. If you speak sharply to a two-year-old, it is notnunusual to see him cloud up in tears of shame and distress, thennregroup and assault you with the worst insult in his vocabulary.
When shame is evoked as an automatic emotional response toncriticism, we tend to respond in one of the two ways characteristicnof shame. We may accept the criticism without question and feelnguilty or miserable. Or we may reject the criticism withoutnquestion and feel angry and defiant. Sometimes we bounce backnand forth between the two. Whether humiliation or anger dominatesnthe response, the intense feelings evoked interfere with a calm andnobjective review of the situation.

Most of us learned our own personal styles of reacting to criticismnwhen we were very young, when criticism was most often experiencednas a scolding or teasing and therefore became associated withnshame. Since shame is always painful, and it is the most naturalnthing in life to want to avoid pain, early criticism, no matter hownwell intended or deserved, may soon lead to complex avoidancenbehaviors. So it is that some children learn to lie or blamenothers to avoid the pain of criticism. So it is that othe
children learn to criticize themselves ruthlessly - partly tonanticipate and avoid exte
al criticism, perhaps, and partly innhopes of reassurance from an exte
al authority, a loving,nforgiving parent. In Norway , cruel teasing among peers was deemednto be such a virulent problem, contributing to potential depressionnand violence in young people, that a curriculum was developed forndealing with teasing.

It is neither possible nor desirable to eliminate the shamenresponse entirely from the arena of criticism. Shame is thenfoundation for conscience, and helps us remember the importance ofnother people's standards and expectations as well as our own.
More often than not, however, an excessive shame response confusesnthe giving and accepting of criticism. So it is useful to learnnmethods of side stepping the intense automatic shame response andncultivating a more detached and objective view of the perspectiventhat the critic may provide. A variety of techniques fornsidestepping or modifying unwanted emotional responses have beenndemonstrated to be effective in the treatment of phobias andnanxiety disorders, and in anger management programs. We have alsonlea
ed a lot in the treatment of addictions, compulsive behavio
problems, and therapy for habit control, all of which involves somenlea
able ability to quiet or change an internal emotional statenthat drives unwanted behavior. Such techniques can be applied tonmodifying an excessive shame response to allow for more comfortablenand effective responses to criticism.

Many people may find benefit simply in adopting an attitude towardncriticism based in assertiveness principles stressing ournindividual right to and responsibility for our own values ornstandards. When we hear criticism, it is fair to assume that we arennot living up to someone's standards or expectations. Since it isnimpossible to live up to everyone's expectations, it is importantnto determine whether we understand and agree with the critic'snexpectations before we can decide what to make of the criticism.
It can be a respectful and powerful response to criticism to say:
"I've thought about what you said, and I understand what you think
I should have done in that situation, but I don't happen to agree.
We have different values there." Of course it is also powerfulnto be able to say, sincerely, "I agree with your criticism and I amngoing to try harder in the future to meet that expectation because
I believe in it, too."

Some individuals, whose early life experience may have conditionednthem to have very powerful and easily triggered shame responses,nwill have difficulty believing that a comfortable response toncriticism is possible. Constant self-criticism as well as thenpainful response to others' criticism has significantly marredntheir self-esteem. Learning new responses to criticism may requirenmore persistent and creative intervention for these individuals,nbut can open a door to strikingly different perceptions ofnthemselves. Sherri would cringe visibly when describing anynsituation in which she was being criticized. Despite the absencenof any history of abuse, she could not imagine disagreeing openlynwith her husband for fear he would get angry. The idea ofnanalyzing criticism as non-threatening input was intriguing to her,nbut she was very skeptical that she could ever learn to quell hernautomatic fears. With some persistent, creative application ofnguided imagery techniques and the support of friends, however, shendiscovered a way to use her own sense of humor to diffuse thenautomatic panic associated with criticism. The resulting increasenin her assertiveness and general sense of confidence was striking. n And her husband's anger was not nearly the problem she hadnanticipated.

There is skill involved in giving criticism, too. If thenobject is not just to make a person feel bad, but to motivate themnto change their behavior if you are not happy with it, it helps tonunderstand the potential impact of careless criticism.
Unfortunately, many people rely on intimidation or manipulationnwithout recognizing that the shame and anger they almost certainlynevoke may backfire to their detriment. An approach based onnassertiveness principles entails making sure to expressnexpectations that are clear and realistic, then asking the personnif they understand and agree with these expectations. Compliancenwill be much more likely once misunderstandings and disagreementsnabout expectations are worked out. A great deal of time andnenergy is often spent in complex avoidance and retaliation innresponse to criticism that is unclear, unrealistic, or poorlynunderstood.

A better understanding of the nature of the powerfulnbasic emotion we call shame, its prevalence in our interpersonalninteraction, and its significance in the development ofnself-esteem, offers opportunities to redress common problems inncommunication at work, at home, and even within ourselves.