FEAR, JEALOUSY, SUPPRESSION & REBELLION

Valery is not very sure of herself as woman. She doubts whether a man can stay interested in her for a long period of time. She rejects her appearance and generally does not feel herself-worthy. Her self-doubt creates a strong fear of losing her husband to another woman.

Valery’s father cheated repeatedly on her mother, thus Valery has been programmed to believe men are not faithful.

These two beliefs - - that she cannot keep a man and that men are by nature not faithful - - make her fearful and intensely jealous whenever her husband is late from work, spends time alone or shows minimal attention to other women. Her fear and anxiety cause her to take on the roles of Interrogator, "Where were you? What were you doing? Why did it take you so long?" She also plays the role of the victim complaining that, "You do not love me. No one loves me. No one cares about me."

These scenes and tension tire her husband John, who has the tendency to avoid contact with anything emotional. He begins closing off into himself even more and avoids Valery.

As a result, Valery becomes even more fearful and demanding. When John’s inner pressure reaches a certain level, he moves from the "aloof" mode to the "intimidator" and starts shouting and threatening that if she doesn’t stop, he will leave her for good.

As a child, John learned to be aloof and not express his feelings much. He feels more comfortable at work and with his drinking buddies than at home. He is the silent type at home, but very outgoing with his friends. He has associated women with criticism. His mother criticized him often and his father intimidated him. He learned to close off emotionally and not have much to do with the family. He deals with his fear of being hurt by avoiding contact and being aloof.

Valery interprets this as rejection and lack of love. She feels hurt, unloved and unhappy. She believes John is not interested in her and that he must be interested in someone else.

John, on the other hand, feels suppressed and overwhelmed by her need for continual affirmation of his love and interest, and he closes off from her when she approaches. He feels suffocated in the relationship and in the responsibilities of raising a family. He believes that his dedicating so many hours to making money for the family is a very clear indication of his love.

Valery is hurt by his inability to be there for her or participate in the family. They gradually drift apart and seldom exchange affection, thus their sexual contact drops off almost completely.

Both are very unhappy and feel victimized by this situation from his or her own point of view.

Valery, in her loneliness, meets a man who listens to her problems. She feels that at last someone cares. She wants to speak to him more and more often. A bond grows between them and they gradually, without wanting to, become affectionate. Their emotional, platonic connection becomes physical.

John, on the other hand, finds himself attracted to a woman at work, who seems to be relaxed and free in her expression. They begin to exchange information about each other. He shares that he is not very happy with his marriage and that he has not had contact with his wife for some time now. Their friendship progressively takes on a more intimate form and they begin to meet secretly. Here is someone who gives him affection without demands or criticism, at least for the time being.

Both John and Valery are now living double lives. Both are in inner conflict. Both see the other as an obstacle to their freedom and happiness. Both have found someone else who makes them happier, but they have found someone whom they see once a week, with whom they do not share the same house, children, responsibilities, money, vacations, etc. They have not yet had the opportunity to become satiated emotionally and physically in their secret relationships to see if this erotic beginning has the possibility of becoming a lasting love.

What could their lessons be?

Valery:

Does she needs to accept herself as a woman and believe she is definitely interesting enough for a man to want to be with her in a life long relationship? (If she does not conquer this fear, the same will happen with the next relationship.)

Does she need to change her perception of men? (Believing all men are unfaithful caused her to push her husband away).

Does Valery need to create a more positive self-image?

Does she need to feel safer within herself, and more capable of handling life?

Does she need to learn to face problems by herself without needing to discuss them?

Does she need to see John’s love in his actions even when he cannot express it?

John:

Does he need to learn to free himself from the role of the aloof and become more active emotionally in his marriage and family?

Does he need to learn to express his love to Valery in ways in which she can feel it?

Should he listen to Valery’s needs behind her criticism?

Perhaps he also needs to feel safe in the world of emotions.

Both of them:

What do they need to learn about creating parallel relationships?

That they seldom bring happiness?

That it is easy to be happy with someone you meet occasionally and with whom you need not share any responsibilities?

That these are exte
al solutions, which will likely not last?

That if they separated and married those people they had now created relationships with, they most likely would find themselves in the same situation within three years?

Should they separate?

Perhaps they both need to work with their childhood programmings, which are the main cause of what is happening.

Whatever they chose to do, they would both benefit by working with following chapters.

From the book "Relationships of Conscious Love"