FINDING THE POWER IN ALCOHOL AND DRUG ADDICTION RECOVERY

In 1988, I was 25 years old and laying in the hospital for alcoholism, drug addiction and severe depression. I thought there was no hope and wished I would die in my sleep.

The hospital took me to a recovery support group meeting that utilized a 12 Step Program. I saw "Higher Power" was mentioned in the second step and I was terrified. Being raised in a strict religious household I had been taught to fear God. I do not blame the church for my distorted perceptions because it did teach God forgives us ... but somehow in my warped dysfunctional mind I never "heard" that concept. As a result, I believed in a "Higher Power" that was vengeful, unloving and punishing. I believed there was no hope for me that I was a bad person and God hated me.

When I saw "Higher Power" was involved with recovery, I immediately knew the program would never work for me. The problem was I had no where else to go. I had hit a bottom in my alcoholism and drug addiction. I was emotionally dead and physically I was damaged forever. Recovery in a 12 Step Program was my last desperate grasp at finding a life worth living.

I probably would have stood on my hands and walked through broken glass if that would have stopped me from craving and obsessing over alcohol and drugs. When it came down to my choices, it was death or the program. So I decided to try what the program suggested.

By desperately listening, I learned that a person does not have to believe in God to be a part of the 12 Step Program. Alcoholics seeking recovery who have no understanding of a God can simply find something greater than themselves to believe in. Often, using the recovery group is a simple way for a person struggling with the God concept to find hope.

Most have to admit that a group of recovering alcoholics has more power together than one lone alcoholic floundering through life. This very basic concept of a Higher Power often leads the recovering alcoholic to expanding their vision and belief in a much greater "Higher Power "... whatever that may be.

In recovery, it does not matter what a person calls their "Higher Power". It can be God, The Universe, Buddha, Mother Nature or whatever name you desire. What matters is how the person perceives their "Higher Power" and the belief and faith that their "Higher Power" will keep them sober.

I believe anyone can find a "Higher Power" to rely on if they just reach out, take action, listen and be open to learning. Even if someone has faith in nothing at all … their perceptions of believing can and usually do change. They eventually find their own personal Higher Power.

I experienced this process first hand. Over time by listening at my recovery support group, my concept of my "Higher Power" changed to be loving, kind and forgiving and it completely filled my soul. I began to rely on the Power more and more and the black pit of desperation in my gut began to fill with love, kindness and hope.

Later in the Steps, I learned meditation was an essential aspect to recovery as well. At first it was difficult to let my mind go blank. My thoughts raced around in my head and it was difficult to keep them silent for even a minute. I was told to keep practicing and meditating would become a valuable asset in getting to know myself and my "Higher Power." Eventually it did.

Now meditating is part of my daily routine and taking the time to sit and relax my mind is inspiring and energizing. I have heard it said, "Praying is talking to your Higher Power and meditating is listening."

Looking back at the person I was and who I have become is like looking back on someone else's life. I am not the same person emotionally, physically or spiritually. I believe I am one of the millions of miracles of 12 Step Recovery Groups because my new Higher Power has guided me on my new journey in sobriety.
It may have taken near death with alcoholism and drug addiction to find my "Higher Power," but out of my desperation has come a glorious new relationship with a Power of my own personal understanding. I don't expect miracles today … I depend on them.