Guilt - getting in the way of our parenting.

Guilt. One of the things that really strikes me as I talk to parents, is the amount of guilt that is carried around. Guilt seems to be such a huge part of the parenting story these days. Parents feel guilty if they work, guilty if they don’t, guilty if they use child care, guilty if they bottle feed, guilty if their children watch TV, guilty if they feed their child a biscuit. Guilt seems to get in the way of our parenting and stop us being the parents we’d like to be. What purpose does the feeling of guilt serve? Perhaps it lets us know if we’ve done something wrong. Wouldn’t it be far more useful to simply reflect on the experience and accept the decision we have made. Guilt that is not worked through or reflected upon can turn to shame where we see ourselves as somehow faulty. We don’t have to be perfect parents, in fact there is no such thing. Our children need to see us as humans, with all our emotions, shortcomings and foibles. They need to be let down by people that love them occasionally so they learn to cope with it when it happens (which it will) in life. We simply need to be good enough for our children.

I know we’ve all looked at other parents and thought they had all the answers or seemed to be so much calmer, organised or more with it, but they couldn’t parent your children, only you can. You know your children the best, you know their likes and dislikes and their little personality traits. So my invitation is to stop and breathe and know that your children will survive, even without your guilt, I promise. What would your life be like if you were able to let go of the guilty feelings? Do you think you could be more present to your children and their needs?

The first step is awareness. How often do guilty thoughts enter your mind? Spend a few days, simply noticing. Initially, don’t attempt to change the thought, just become aware of it. See if you are able to identify when these thoughts become more common. Is it when you drop your child off at childcare or drop into bed at night thinking you should have done more?

Once, you’ve become aware of these feelings, then you can address them. If you feel yourself having guilty thoughts, then calmly thank the guilt for showing up and listen to its view. This is an important step, if you don’t acknowledge the feeling it will persist and just get louder. Then choose another thought to replace it, such as “I am a loving parent”. I’d love you to try having a guilt free day or even begin with something smaller, say an hour. Every habit takes a while to break. If you get through an hour, wonderful, try a day or a week.