Having the Confidence to Define What You Don't Want

Last night (Monday March 8, 2010) I was a guest on Lynda Hill’s cable TV show ‘Studio chat’ on BNNTV.org. We were discussing a selection of viewers’ emails about dating, and happy endings (which makes a change after discussions of revenge and broken hearts!) What these happy endings had in common, even if the authors of the emails did not even realize it at the time, was the importance of taking time to focus on what they want, and also identify what they do not want.

An example was illustrated by an email from a young lady who wrote:

“My boyfriend ended our relationship unexpectedly last year. He said it wasn't me, it was him and needed to figure out what he wanted from life. He wasn't sure where, or if, I fit in. We cut ties completely, and I tried to get on with my life. Then, he called during the holidays and asked to see me. Long story short, he’d spent the last few months getting rid of old baggage. He changed jobs, got a new apartment (his old roommates liked to party) and finished his thesis. I like the new him, and feel positive about our future”.

Here the gentleman in the story has taken what can, in hindsight, be seen as a brave step, even if it did not appear that way at the time of the breakup. How many of us are guilty of continuing our relationships with excess baggage? And collecting more during the relationship? By spending some time apart, he has developed emotionally and has matured in his outlook. Now with a better job, a completed qualification and a new home, he is a much better prospect as ‘Mr Right’ rather than ‘Mr better-than-being-alone’. He paid attention to what he wanted, and the new relationship can only benefit from having had the break.

Working with Lynda on our forthcoming ‘Personal Branding’ classes, we encourage our participants to try a simple exercise, which Lynda read out on air last night. The bottom line to the activity is that to create a plan for anything in your life, not just your relationships, not only must you know what you want, you must identify what it is you do not want. We also use a shopping analogy:

Have you ever gone shopping and come home with something you didn’t really want or need? For example, you know you need a pair of shoes to wear with a new pair of pants. You don't bring the pants to the store with you, and you didn't pay attention to how long they are. You find a nice pair of shoes, bring them home, and the heel is not high enough. The pant hem is dragging on the floor. Nice shoes, nice pants, but they don't fit together.

MORAL of the STORY: If you aren't clear about the partner you want you may bring the wrong one home!

Lynda and I are running our next personal Branding Workshop on Vlora Restaurant in Boston on Sunday March 21. Join us to establish your own core vales and authentic self - lunch is included in the price of the event. For credit card payments visit our page on eventbrite.com but hurry, as reservations for this event close on March 16.