***His Wife Wants to Join the Peace Corps

Dear Jim: My wife and I have been married fourteen years (second marriages, all kids are grown). I’m already retired, and my wife has decided to retire next June at age 64 after a long career teaching Spanish in high school. She recently announced, though, that she wants to join the Peace Corps after she retires, and work somewhere in Latin America. She says it’s something she’s dreamed about since college, and if she doesn’t do it now she never will. This would entail a two-year commitment, on top of two months of training in the U.S. In theory, I could live with her at my own expense, even if I’m not a Peace Corps member. But I have no desire to live in a third-world country, and no desire to be on my own for over two years. I thought we had a good marriage, but now I’m wondering if she’s really just running away from me in a “socially acceptable” way. What do you think? (“Alan”)

Dear Alan: Without knowing more about your marriage, I have no idea if your wife is using the Peace Corps as an escape from it. But, whatever her motivation is, she’s obviously proposing a radical change for both herself and for you—a change that shouldn’t be made unilaterally.

The only way something like this can work is if the two spouses are on the same page and have thought through the many details and potential problem areas. Clearly, the two of you are not on the same page, at least not at this point. Whether you could be in the future depends on the willingness of each of you to make some major accommodations.

One thing you both might want to consider is having your wife “test the waters” by doing short-term volunteer stints once she’s retired. There are all kinds of organizations that match volunteers with jobs that last anywhere from a couple of weeks to a couple of months, and some of those jobs are in Latin America.

Unlike the Peace Corps, most of these organizations require the volunteers to pay their own travel and living expenses. But it might be worth the money if it helps your wife decide if she’s really suited to living in a poor country, or if it helps you decide if living on your own would be as bad as you think. It could also result in your wife deciding that occasional short-term volunteer assignments are just as fulfilling as a single extended one.

In general, I encourage people to live an authentic life, by which I mean a life that’s true to a person’s passions and core values. Given that you’ve been married fourteen years and your wife has only recently brought this idea up, I have to wonder whether it’s truly a longtime passion of hers or whether it’s more of a passing fancy. But then again, some people hold off talking about their plans until they’re 100% sure they’re ready to follow through on them.

The one thing that’s abundantly clear is that you and your wife have a lot of talking to do between now and next June. Don’t put off these conversations, and don’t be shy about conveying your own fears and conce
s. On the other hand, try to be supportive of your wife’s dreams and goals, and be creative in proposing compromises.

None of this will be easy, but it can be done. And you may wind up respecting your wife more than ever for her enthusiasm and her courage.