How to Decide Your Boundaries When You're Asked to Help - Christian Codependency

Here's an important tool in overcoming Christian codependency: When you are asked to help, you can decide what your boundaries are by considering these five things rather than thinking you have to do everything you are asked to do and becoming resentful. Halley decided to lend her sister money knowing there was a chance her sister wouldn't pay her back and knowing her sister made bad choices with money, because it was just too uncomfortable for her to say no. A few weeks later, Halley began to get angry and resentful toward her sister for pressuring her for money. Halley forgot an important principle: She was responsible for her own decisions. Her sister can ask anything she wants; Halley can answer any way she wants. When Halley gave her sister money, it became her decision. She cannot blame her sister, since she could have said no, even if it wasn't easy.

When someone asks you to do something for them, give yourself time to decide. Do the following things first:

· Consider the facts.

What is the truth about why someone is asking you to do this for them? What are all the circumstances?

· Consider your emotions.

How will you feel if you say yes and how will you feel if you say no?

· Consider your motives.

Why do you want to say yes and why do you want to say no? Is it guilt, fear, obligation, approval, empathy, pity, or conviction?

· Consider all the possible outcomes.

What can possibly happen as a result of you saying yes and no? Be honest.

· Calculate the risks. Put all these together and make your decision.

If you can't say no, for whatever reasons, then say yes. If you can't say yes because the risk is too high, then say no. But when you make the decision, make it intentionally and own it. It doesn't help anyone if you make the decision and then become so resentful that you destroy the relationship anyway (Proverbs 22:6-7).

Relationship Prayer: God, help me to be wise in contemplating whether or not to say yes to requests for my money, time, or energy.

Relationship Challenge: Take time before saying yes to anyone who asks you to give money, time, or energy. When you make your decision, own it as yours without blaming anyone else.

It takes courage to say no. When you cannot be courageous, the fault is your own and you cannot and should not transfer the blame onto someone else--even the person who asked you for the favor. Considering these five things will help you set boundaries and overcome Christian codependency.