How to Get Help as a Family Caregiver

Few things can make us feel crazier
than expecting something from someone
who has nothing to give. — Melody Beattie
Though asking for help can be empowering, it is counter-cultural. We’re taught to be stoic, not how to ask for help. Yes, HOW you ask determines your success. In a healthy family asking is pretty safe, but functional families are rare.

Most families have some imbalance of power, an inability to communicate, or simply a lack of kindness. Will they think you’re not up to the job, be angry with you for asking, or pooh-pooh what you’re saying because they can’t admit there’s a problem? Coming smack up against your fears is your commitment to do your best caregiving. There is a way of asking for help that can work, but what do I mean by “work?”

Your goal clarity determines your success. Let’s say you need a break from caregiving for your mom, and you want to call your sister to talk it over. The trouble is, your sister has been a bit difficult and some resentment has built up. If you define success as Getting her to offer help, you put yourself in a vulnerable position. If you self-righteously think, "She OUGHT to offer to help out—this is OUR mother!", while that’s an understandable thought, you are setting yourself up for an upset. In both cases, your expectations are your worst enemy. Your clearly formed goals and open attitude are your keys to success. Be creative when thinking about what the possible outcome might be. Remember, even a small amount of participation by her may help to preserve relations. Consider also that everyone has their own ways of coping with the profoundly difficult fact of an elder's aging. Let’s see how such a conversation with a sister might play out.

DESIGNING SUCCESSFUL REQUESTS FOR HELP
Example: Asking a sister for help

1. DEFINE YOUR GOAL - Define your goal for the conversation simply: “I want to know how she is willing to help” or “I want her to brainstorm solutions with me.”

2. DUMP YOUR EXPECTATIONS - Expectations make you vulnerable to resentment, an unnecessary energy drain. Your sister’s life may be more complicated than you know. She may have her own difficulty accepting the situation. Decide that if she agrees to help at all, it’s a blessing. Don’t hang the relationship on one conversation.

3. BE CLEAR - Be clear within yourself and explicit in your words about exactly what would help. “I need three hours off each week;” Or “I need help in these ways...” Clear thinking and speaking increase the chances of getting helpful results. Do you just want her to listen? or to give you advice? Do you want her to participate in another way that works for her?

4. BE GRACIOUS AND FOCUSED - If you ask and she says No, thank her for considering it. Stay focused on your goal. You want help while preserving peace of mind and relationships, which means avoiding getting sidetracked by resentment.

5. MAKE ROOM FOR A DIFFERENT SOLUTION - Finally, ask her what she Would be willing to do to support you. If the answer is nothing, get help elsewhere. During caregiving, people you thought would be helpful may disappear, while others who were distant may step forward. When you are done asking, if you still need help, contact local social service agencies, senior center, or church. There are people trained in the field of caregiving who can tell you your options. The Service Link agency is a good place to start.