How to Survive a Relationship When You and Your Partner Have Different Points of View of How Things “Should Be”

When you cling on to your belief that you are right and your partner is wrong you often find yourself involved in power struggles and conflicts about “who's right”. Unintentionally, you make “being right” your first priority instead of your relationship. You neither listen to your partner nor let his/her opinion penetrate the wall you’ve built around yourself. Sometimes you don’t understand how it is possible that your partner thinks otherwise – doesn’t he/she see reality?

With time, each one of you blames the other for problems and thinks: “If only the other would understand, everything would be all right”; “If only the other would change, our relationship would last”. Since usually none of these happens – and why should they? – your reactions and behaviors are liable to alienate you from one another and sabotage your relationship.

SIMPLE SITUATIONS MIGHT TRIGGER CONFLICTS

Fights to prove that you’re right occur often about very routine, simple and daily situations such as:

* How to get from one place to another.
* How long it takes to fly from New York to London.
* The right way to assemble a set of bookshelves.
* The right way to dress for a party.
* Whether it’s better to go first to the beach and then to the supermarket on a Saturday morning, or first to the supermarket and then to the beach.
* Whether it’s better to take a taxi or walk.
* Whether to go out in rainy weather or stay at home.

Example

DANNY AND IRENE: A COUPLE BEHAVING EACH FROM HIS/HER POINT OF VIEW OF HOW THINGS “SHOULD BE”

It’s Saturday morning. Danny and Irene are lying in bed. What a pleasure! They don’t have to work today and have all the time in the world to do what they like.

“Should we go to the beach?” Danny asks Irene and jumps out of bed to put on his bathing suit.

“Soon”, Irene answers, “first I have to get a few things from the supermarket”.

“Oh, come on”, Danny replies, “forget about the supermarket. Let’s go to the beach”.

“No”, says Irene, “first I’ll finish the grocery shopping and then we can spend as much time on the beach as we want".
“Forget it!” says Danny irritated, “later the beach will be crowded. Let’s go there first, and then you can go to the supermarket. Maybe we’ll even go there together on the way home”.

EXPLANATION:

Irene’s perception of reality – her point of view of how things “should be”- causes her to strongly reject Danny’s suggestion. Danny’s point of view causes him to be stubborn. Each has a different idea of the order in which one “should” do things. This got stuck in their minds somehow during the years, controlling and fixating their behaviors.

As long as Irene and Danny will not become aware of the factors affecting their different perceptions of reality, they won’t realize how they control and harm their relationship. Moreover, they will neither accept each other’s point of view nor find a way to compromise.

HOW TO SURVIVE A RELATIONSHIP WHEN YOU AND YOUR PARTNER HAVE DIFFERENT POINTS OF VIEW OF HOW THINGS “SHOULD BE”

The way to survive and maintain a good relationship, even when the two of you have different points of view is by becoming aware of your own perception of reality and realize how it affects your thoughts, feelings, actions and behaviors and by observing your interactions. You then can see how you react automatically and get fixated on your point of view each time your partner thinks and behaves differently than you do.

As you realize this and understand where your perception of reality originates from, you can try to resist the urge of being "right", halt automatic reactions and behaviors and adopt more flexible ways of thinking, reacting and behaving, beneficial to cultivating and maintaining an intimate relationship.