Healing From Betrayal

Let’s look at the definition of betrayal so we can understand why it hurts so much.

Webster’s definition: To hurt (someone who trusts you, such as a friend or relative) by not giving help or by doing something morally wrong.

“The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.” ~Unknown

By definition, when someone commits an act of betrayal, we are going to experience emotional pain. Our world is going to turn upside down, we have to grieve the loss of our interpretation of who the betrayer was, understand the more realistic interpretation of who the betrayer is based on his/her actions, forgive ourselves for whatever we blame ourselves for, heal and move forward.

“Forgive yourself for the blindness that let others betray you. Sometimes a good heart doesn’t see the bad.” ~Unknown

Now, if we add codependency to this mix, I propose the healing is more difficult, may take longer, and requires working on our codependency issues. Let’s go back to the definition we have been using for codependency: a system of distortions that exists on a continuum. Codependents learn personality traits that interfere with knowing one’s self and others. Codependents take care of others, often ignoring or tolerating their abuse, avoiding confrontation, and enabling the “bad” behavior.

Three very important components of codependency are: putting others conce
s before our own conce
s, needing others to like us for us to have self esteem, and an irrational need to avoid conflict. When any or all of these are operating, we are not taking care of ourselves. It is not a contradiction for us to take care of ourselves and then address others conce
s, build our own self-esteem and feel good when others like to be around us, or learn how to face confrontation and use de-escalating practices. Think about these concepts and see where you honestly assess yourself. If we do not have the tools to take care of ourselves first, build our own self-esteem, and handle conflict, we are going to be hit hard when we are betrayed by a love one. Betrayal hits everyone hard, but if we are fragile before it arrives we are really going to be knocked down emotionally.

If we add a long history with the person (thinking you could trust them) – e.g. Elizabeth Edwards with her husband Senator John, or any long marriage/family relationship/friendship where the person is someone you felt you could trust – betrayal is going to be devastating. The grieving process becomes more challenging when there is a long history. Betrayal is not gender specific

Continue reading here: https://www.recovery.org/pro/articles/healing-from-betrayal/