I (Dis)Honestly Love You

My apologies to Olivia Newton-John for the parody on her hit song from the '70's, but midlife is the time when couples have been on the same merry-go-round for so long that they're getting saddle sores. Experience tells me that people go into committed relationships with every intention to make them last ('for better or for worse'). Most of those that survive the first few tumultuous years after the honeymoon settle into a routine that adjusts to accommodate the needs and wants of both partners . . . at least to a degree adequate enough to allow them to function together as a couple.

It's been said that a date is an opportunity to learn about yourelf. It's also been said that a relationship is a 24/7 date. In the give and take of getting along together (let alone building a functional life together), each has to be willing and able to accommodate the other enough so that the relationship doesn't shake apart from within, sabotaged by a combination of denial and unrealistic expectations. You need a great deal of diplomacy to make a relationship work, but when diplomacy (and the path of least resistance) takes the upper hand over honesty and integrity, the stage is set for midlife break-up.

When the emotional pull that drew the partners together has settled into a more-or-less comfortable gravitational force that keeps them orbiting one another, all those 'unimportant' characteristics that each was only too happy to overlook in the other take on a new and more extreme importance. No strong emotion can be sustained over time. That's a fact of human life. Love can feel truly intense, particularly early on. However, just because the emotional high fades (as it must) that's no reason to infer that the love behind it has changed. Love, after all, is fundamentally a decision, not just a feeling. Comedian Rita Rudner quipped about a friend of hers who was in labor for 36 hours that, "I can't imagine doing something that feels good for 36 hours!"

When the 'good feelings' that accompany any relationship fade into the background, what's left? After a while, the only feelings that will actually get your attention are those moments of annoyance when your partner is doing something that really bothers you. And, because the good feelings are taking the time off, it appears to you that annoyance is all that's left between you. That's when the decision to love one another kicks in big-time. That's also when both of you start adopting the policy of appeasement: giving him or her what (you think) s/he wands just to avoid conflict. Remember British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain on the news reels holding aloft his pact with German Chancellor Adolf Hitler and proclaiming, "Peace in our time"?

Over the years together, any long-term couple comes to know all too well where each other's hot buttons are hidden. No one can be totally innocent of yielding to the temptation to go for them when emotionally pushed to the wall. We all know our partner's triggers, as they certainly know ours, and we know how and when our actions will elicit a strong response. Aren't you hesitant to 'start something'? Doesn't compromise feel like a better option than conflict? It certainly does, until, that is, you notice that your habit of 'compromise' has become 'self-sacrifice'. The first cue is when you hear that little voice in the back of your head grumbling, "After all the things I do for you . . . "

Here are the facts — facts that midlife all too often lays bare all too uncomfortably — relationships are a lot of work: continual work; unending work; often thankless work. Assuming good will on both sides, if you value your partnership, then there's never a time you get to say, 'Enough!' In any successful relationship, honesty never takes a vacation and, whenever you go off hiding in silent resentment out of fear of the consequences from the other, you're being dishonest. That dishonesty, that refusal to do the hard work necessary to keep the lines of communication open between you, spells ultimate conflict and, if left untreated, final disaster for the relationship.

For a relationship to survive midlife, it's essential that you establish a long-term commitment to honest, open communication. You both have to learn how to fight fair. You have to learn to listen to what the other is saying, above and beyond the words (even the hurtful ones). You have to lay aside (as much as possible) your childhood imaginings of what a relationship is 'supposed' to look like and feel like and work on discovering the honest truth about the workings of real life one that you've committed yourself to. You have to talk and to listen until you're all talked and listened out, and then talk and listen some more.

Most importantly, if you want your relationship to endure, you've got to lay aside your fears about what your partner could 'do' to you. You're only responsible for yourself, your own behavior and your own honesty. You can't control his or her reactions. If you need someone to help you manage that assignment, go for it. You have a commitment. You owe it to your partner to be both loving and honest and nothing less. One of the great lessons of the midlife transition is discovering how to do that with sensitivity, integrity and grace.