I Wonder What They Will Think

Do you care about what other people think? To some extent, most of us do. Throughout life – first from parents, then from teachers, workplaces, media and our institutions – we learn that it’s important to be liked, not rock the boat, be seen as a nice person, etc. Yet have you ever stopped and examined your own sense of worry, as well as the thinking, beliefs and assumptions that reside unde
eath? The results of that self-reflection may surprise you.

It seems worrying about what others think has become rather an epidemic in our society. This includes things like political correctness (what does that even mean anymore?), avoiding touchy subjects (what makes them touchy, anyway?), saying “yes” while meaning “no” (to avoid judgment), most forms of generalized fear (fear of perceived negative consequences of your actions). If you were to stop and look closely at any of these, you’d probably see a huge percentage of your energy going into a futile attempt to manage their impact. This is energy, by the way, we say we never have enough of. I’m not suggesting you stop caring, but that you become more aware of why and how you do.

First, the personal view. Over-caring about what others think is often a cover-up for lack of self-trust, and with it, the perceived loss of your own personal power. In so doing, you buy into someone else’s idea of who you should be. By “proving” yourself to others in this way, you give away the very personal power you then “wish you had.”

Next, the big picture view. Because nearly everyone is worried about what others think, the people you worry about don’t even notice your worries; they’re too busy worrying about their own! If you think about this, aside from a lot of energy being wasted, there’s no one left to look out for what truly matters to you.

With this as perspective, what path might lead us beyond the worry? Experience, both in my own life and in work with my clients, has led me to a simple answer: clarity of intention. Those who inquire deeply into their own inner truth discover what really matters to them. By gaining a level of clarity uncommon in most aspects of daily life, they tap into a source of energy so powerful that they can devote nearly all their energy to its fulfillment. As they do, their worries about what others think simply melt away like a spring snowfall. It’s been said that if you know what you want, nothing can stop you; if you don’t, nothing can make you. Looking at those in history who stand out for their contribution, we find just this clarity of intention. Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Thoreau, to name a few. By the way, these people cared deeply, for and about others, yet not so much about what others thought of them.

Exercise: Toward clarity of intention. Releasing the energy drain from worrying about what others think doesn’t come from “trying” not to worry. It comes from replacing it with energy more powerful and positive. You might envision a see-saw from playground days. If pressure from others weighs more than your own truth, you’re left up in the air, with no place to go. It’s time to shift the balance. This exercise has two parts.

• Discover what holds you. Replay in your mind situations from throughout your life where your choices were determined by your conce
for what others thought. After doing this for several situations, see if you can name just how, when and why you became deluded into believing you’d be better off giving up yourself to become someone else. Just name it; all that’s required here is clarity of “what is.”

• Reclaim your power. Adopt a regular daily practice of quiet time. During 15-20 minutes of undistracted silence, simply listen for the energy inside you, the smoldering of your deepest desire in life, desire wanting to express itself through the way you live. Just name the desire as you hear it. As you do this practice daily, add to the clarity and energy of your desire, building up a powerful sense of self/purpose/essence, the power of you, the power you “wish you had” (and do). As you continue, you’ll soo “discover” that who you are is bigger than who they are; you begin to make bold, new choices in your life, with ease. Furthermore, “they” never had to change, or agree to play along with your game.