If I Knew Then What I Know Now

We have all heard this line a thousand times. My mother meted out this wisdom on any occasion when wise counsel or gentle consoling was needed. It was dispensed with love and affection and was the moral of the story she told of a similar survived event in her life. It was intended to assure me that whatever perceived devastating event I was experiencing I would certainly recover, hopefully learn from and move on to a brighter day. She was right. Yes, of course she was right. Does any of this sound familiar? Can you feel yourself sobbing, sitting on your mom’s lap pouring out your tale of woe and feeling safe while wrapped in your mom’s arms with your head on her strong wise shoulder.

Fast forward. Now I am 57. Like a lot of us from this generation, when the glass ceiling was decidedly lower than today and more akin to a brick wall, the bulk of our education came from living and doing. Sometimes doing because we wanted to, (lessons) and sometimes because we had to, (more lessons). For us this education came from the things they do not and cannot teach you in school, whether you attended or not. This is knowledge gained from being adventurous, foolish, sensible; getting married, divorced, perhaps married again; raising beautiful children to adulthood through good times and bad times, sometimes alone, sometimes not alone; experiencing joy, love, hate, despair, rejection, acceptance; sometimes feeling important and sometimes feeling foolish and often times feeling overwhelmed. Working for need, want and sometimes for passion; succeeding, failing, succeeding again, maneuvering through hardship, heartbreak and untold number of circumstances, overcoming, sometimes just surviving and many times, in fact most times thriving. Now this is Wisdom.

And now we are here. Women of “a certain age” armed with a collection of more or less half a lifetime of experiences, failures, successes, wisdom and the knowledge that this is it. We have earned the right to say the line and know exactly what it means. IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW… We know what we didn’t know THEN and the time is NOW. Exciting, exhilarating and a little frightening to be blessed at this time of unparalleled opportunity for women to craft a life we love. Now we are empowered with our wisdom and ready to discover and grasp exactly what we want for the second half of the rest of our lives.

We know what we do not want, right? We certainly have learned that. With so much time spent sacrificing, nurturing and caring for the needs and wants of everyone else the question is;

WHAT DO WE WANT?

How do we go about getting it? What do we take with us on this journey? What do we leave behind? Are there pieces of ourselves back there that we put away for “later” that we want back with us? Are there things that we put away so long ago that we don’t remember and we need them?

For me the journey began by taking time to seriously reflect on who I really was. Armed with an impressive library of inspirational and educational books inherited and collected over the years I at last started with a theme that was central to all of them. I turned off the noise and cast away the many roles I had played and began the process of answering my first question:

DO I LOVE MYSELF?

As surprising at you might believe, some of the people you view as the most self assured are the ones who are the least assured. We are all very good at wearing masks to get us through what we need. What would our lives be like if we could find our true selves and never feel the need to be anything or anyone other than who we really are? If we knew we were more than enough. In fact, that is the treasure of this journey and with this truth we can begin to craft a life we love.

Are you ready to start your journey? Before we set out on this mission to transform ourselves I think it is important to start with a good mindset for the job. So here are five important steps to help you mentally prepare for making big changes in your life:

1. COMMITMENT. We live in a world that focuses on surface values and immediate gratification. We have been conditioned to look for and expect a magic pill, crème or book that will transform us or “fix” whatever we believe is wrong. If you are at the point in your life where you feel the need to find your purpose and look beneath the surface you will need to be willing to slow down and spend time. This self discovery process is going to take patience, empathy, courage and commitment. This is not a book or course that you start and finish. At this point in our lives we have spent forty or fifty years changing and adapting our personalities to accommodate the circumstances we were living. Most of the roles we played were based on the expectations of others; families, companies and bosses. Take some quiet time to think, write down how you feel about your life now and what you would like to change and why. Oh, and by the way, don’t forget your sense of humor, you will need that too.

2. TURN OFF THE NOISE! Now this sounds easy but once you begin this step I think you will be surprised at how little silence we hear in our lives today. The drone of the TV. The constant background music at home, in the car, stores and even in our places of work. Think about it. When was the last time you sat or moved around in silence, alone with your thoughts? The most ideal thing would be to unplug the TV for a while. If that sounds a little extreme and undoable at least cut down on the noise by turning on the TV or music only when there is something you want to watch or hear. Set aside a good amount of time each day when nothing is on. It may take some getting used to but I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the sounds of silence. Birds at a distance, the sound of a breeze through an open window, the unique rhythmic sounds your house makes and most importantly your own thoughts. This simple act can take you off auto pilot and help you to be more aware of what you think and feel and assist in making your actions and decisions more deliberate.

3. TAKE TIME FOR REFLECTION - Set aside a small amount of time for meditation. Find a convenient time and a quiet place where you can spend at least 10 – 15 minutes each day to stop all thought and meditate. I found implementing this into my life harder tha
I had imagined but I encourage you to stay at it till you find a method that works for you; it is well worth the effort. Periods of shutting off the constant flow of thoughts running through our minds every moment we are awake can reduce stress and is a powerful tool for self knowledge.

4. BEGIN TO ALTER YOUR NORMAL PATTERNS. Ever notice how you arrive at work and you don’t remember the drive. You were thinking a million other things; what your first duty would be, mentally preparing for important appointments, any and everything other than the actual drive to work. You don’t even see the street signs anymore. You just “go there” on auto pilot. Each day take a different route or street. Try altering the order of your daily routine a couple of times a day at home. This step begins to prepare your mind for different ways of thinking and doing and starts the habit of being present in the moment.

5. JOU
ALING. I wish I could tell you that I journal every day. I don’t. I am working on it! But I can tell you I have always written down my thoughts any time in my life when I was going through a difficult time or confused about an important decision. When I go back and read these writings I am always shocked at the revelations I find about myself. Whether you do it daily or weekly while you are preparing and during your transformation it will go a long way towards speeding your self- discovery. It’s the perfect tool to clarify or unload feelings. It doesn’t have to be fancy but do it, it helps.

Your five simple steps; be committed, be quiet, be still, be alert and be aware. Try integrating these into your life a week or two before you before you begin your journey. It can be very helpful to ease into the process of looking inward.