Im Here In Sickness and In Health: I Just Don't Want to Discuss it

"I feel like there are thumb tacks in my bed!" I say to my husband as he crawls into the other side of our bed. "I know there is nothing there, but I just feel bruised all over." "I'm sorry," he offers with a sympathetic voice, but there is little else he can do. "Actually, I sort of feel nauseous too," I share. "It's probably just the drugs. I wonder if I should eat something or if that would make it worse. I'm sure it will pass if I can just get to sleep." I look over and he is already starting to snore. For many of us, our spouse is our best friend. If our relationship is good, we want to share our feelings with them. Even if our relationship is hurting, we feel that by explaining our pain, our spouse may sympathize and be more loving toward us. I've never met anyone who desired to be a burden to their loved ones, but it's natural to want to talk about the invisible pain we are going through. When we are hurting we want those who care about us the most to have some idea of what our daily reality is and by talking about our pain, it makes it "real." It's no longer something "all in our head" but rather it becomes validated. "Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ," says Galatians 6:2. But at some point we need to carry these burdens to the Lord, and even a close friend, rather than just our spouse. Your spouse may not be in physical pain but he or she is still grieving many losses that we need to acknowledge can be just as emotional as our losses. Perhaps his coping with the loss of watching you lose your abilities to do things you love; he misses the fun things you used to do together as a couple that are now too physically demanding for you to do; he may be frustrated that even his hugs can be painful for you! Counselors have agreed that they typically see the same top three problems in marriages: money, time and physical intimacy. Is your marriage suffering from changes in all three areas? Illness can add a burden to each of these. How can we learn how to "share our burdens" in our marriage relationship, and yet also realize how to set reasonable limitations on our expectations of what our spouse should handle? Remember your spouse is on "your side" It's easy to think of you and your illness "up against" your spouse, but the illness should be the third party, not your spouse. Although you will often feel that your spouse is merely a spectator to the pain you are in, he is feeling his own kind of pain due to your illness. Make him a part of fighting this battle to have the life you want to have in a way that he is comfortable with. Gently educate your spouse on your illness. Allow his presence at doctor's visits and provide answers to his questions about your illness, especially when you are first receiving a diagnosis. If he is not much of a reader, instead of handing him the five books you've read, give him a brochure or find some podcasts that may be helpful for him to listen to. Acknowledge that your roles or responsibilities may be changing. If you are unable to scrub the bathroom tub any longer, don't avoid talking about it while the grime grows in there! Instead, be honest about your limitations and decide together how to accomplish all the tasks or household chores. Connie Kennemer lives with multiple sclerosis and she shares, "I am not as mobile as I used to be and often ask more of my husband. I may ask him 'Can you work at home this afte oon?' Or I have asked, 'Why do you have to go to another meeting?' How much should he accommodate me because my body is changing? He doesn't always know when to stop and encourage me to try things myself. This is a constant challenge." Reasonable expectations are a must We often marry someone who has our opposite personality style. If you need to read every article about your illness, but your spouse doesn't, it may simply be because your spouse has a more laissez faire attitude, not because he doesn't care. His response to a crisis may appear to be nonchalant on the outside, but it doesn't mean he is not worried and conce ed about you. On the other hand, maybe you take things as they come and don't want to get on the internet and read every detail about the symptoms you may have. Your spouse may wonder why you aren't more interested in finding out how to best treat (and even cure) this disease. He may go as far as to accuse you of being in denial about your illness. He may want to see you be more passionate about being healed than you are. A wonderful book that will help you smooth out some of your communication is "Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti" by Bill and Pam Farrell. Have information about your illness available for when he is open to reading about it Sometimes it can be helpful to have something to read and then discuss rather than just going on and on about what is going through your mind. Whether you want to explain more about your illness or your emotions to your spouse, rather than just whining, have a book ready that describes a related topic, with places bookmarked. Grab it and say, "Here is an example of what we're kind of going through right now. Can I read it?" Then discuss is afterward. Shares Connie, "After ten years of living with MS, I am past the whining stage, but Rex sometimes holds back; that's when I need to ask him more questions about his feelings." Creatively keep him informed about the embarrassing parts of the illness If your illness is going to cause you to be in the bathroom during eighty percent of the events you attend together, you need to let your spouse know that this is part of the disease. Health organizations have brochures on symptoms. You can say, "I'm dealing with some personal matters of this illness right now; I don't really want to talk about them yet, but they're in this brochure if you're wondering." Avoid sharing every detail if you can. Look for other ways to vent besides your spouse's shoulder "I realized that I held in all of my frustrations of pain throughout the day and then when my husband walked through the door I verbally 'threw' them him." shares Cheryl, who lives with chronic fatigue syndrome. "My actions set the tone for the rest of the evening. I may have felt better because I got it off of my chest, but he felt worse and it lasted the whole evening. I could tell he was starting to dread walking through the door." Thankfully Cheryl realized the damage she was inflicting on her marriage, so she decided to take the last couple of hours each day to write in her journal, spend some time in prayer and do another activity that was relaxing. She shares about the result: "Writing in my journal gave me the chance to express my frustrations, and then prayer really began to minimize the negativity too. My husband quickly noticed a difference and it's made our relationship so much stronger." Get involved in some new hobbies How do you spend your time? A lot of time we may be talking about our illness because we don't have much more going on in our lives other than trips to the doctors or to the lab. Get involved in something else, even if it's just a couple hours a week. For example, volunteer to be on a prayer chain, start reading through the classic books you've always wanted to read, put together photo albums for your grandchildren. You will soon discover that even you aren't that interested in talking about your illness when you have much more exciting things to share about. Conclusion So, the real question is how much is too much! There is no perfect answer, because it's different for each person and each marriage. Practice being objective. How often are you bringing up your illness? How do you benefit from talking about it more often than necessary? Do you need validation? Understanding? Actual physical help with tasks? It's not wrong to admit that maybe there are days we really do just want the attention from our spouse and this seems to be the only way to get it! How can we get some of these needs filled by God instead of our spouse? How is it negatively impacting your life, or those around you, by discussing it all the time? Next, ask yourself "What is a more creative way that I can create intimacy with my spouse, other than just sharing my aches and pains? How can we share some activities and time that can help us grow closer together?" When you want to share about your illness, say a little prayer first: "Lord, I bring to you my pain and my emotional needs because of it. You know that I don't want to burden anyone else with something they can't fix, but I also want a friendship where I can just be myself and really share what I am experiencing. I really need a hug from you right now. I know how much my spouse cares about me; please give me the wisdom to know when to ask for help and comfort from him/her and when to come only to You and ask you to fulfill all of my emotional needs."