Introverts: Avoid these Two Words and Bring Your Self-Sabotage to an End

I choose my words carefully. Always have, always will. It's part of my personality, but beyond that, I've realized how the words you use can really propel you towards success, OR get in your way. As a coach, I often hear two words from my clients that set off alarm bells (well it's not quite that dramatic, but you get the idea): can't and should.

I Can't...

What this phrase really means:

* I can not

* I am physically unable to

* It is impossible

Phrases that may describe your situation more accurately:

* I have not been able to yet

* I'm not willing to

* I don't want to

* I don't know how to

* I'm too scared to

See the difference? If you believe the first list, no wonder you have trouble succeeding. Can you also see how choosing the relevant phrase from the second list points to a solution or course of action? Here's an example: as a solo entrepreneur, you wish to increase market exposure through public speaking. But you tell yourself: "I can't give a speech!" This stops you in your tracks. Instead, what if you tell yourself "I'm too scared to give a speech." This would suggest your next course of action would be to find courses or workshops that address fear of public speaking (or joi
Toastmasters, as I did). Or, perhaps you need to acknowledge that you are really not willing to give a speech (I'm a big proponent for doing what you want to do). This acknowledgment allows you to move on and consider alte
ate ways to increase market exposure.

I Should...

What this phrase really means:

* I must

* I am compelled to

* I have to

* I am morally obligated to

* I need to

Phrases that may describe your situation more accurately:

* I want to

* I choose to

* It would benefit me to

* Someone is expecting me to

* It would satisfy me to

* It would satisfy others to

The thing with should is that, if you fail to question your "shoulds" you often find yourself doing things, pursuing goals, that don't serve you. In other words, wasting your time and energy that could be directed elsewhere. When you find yourself saying or thinking a "should," ask yourself the two MAGIC questions:

1. Who says I should? (If the answer is anyone other than yourself, do you agree with the person who says "you should")

2. Why? (What result am I aiming for?)

Action Steps

All the knowledge and street smarts in the world won't do you a bit of good if you don't IMPLEMENT it! So try these action steps to see for yourself the power of words:

1. During the next seven days of reading this, catch yourself using can't or should in your conversation, writing, or thinking. This can be difficult on your own, so you can also ask a spouse, friend, coach, or counselor to help you.

2. During your quiet time, reflection time, or jou
aling time (and if you don't have such a time, it would benefit you to establish a time), go over the suggested phrases; ask yourself the MAGIC questions.

3. Choose the phrase (or better yet, come up with your own wording) that accurately describes your situation. Restate your thought with this new language. It helps to write the new statement down, even if you originally spoke it or thought it only.

4. Observe (and note, if you keep a journal) any changes that result. For example, did you get any new ideas on how to handle a problem? Did you decide to "let go" of a few time-wasting activities? Did you get unstuck?

(c) 2009 Joanne Julius Hunold