IS YOUR MARRIAGE IN TROUBLE?

Is Your Marriage in Trouble? The Seven Deadly Signs….

by Don Ross, MFT

1. DEADLY SILENCE.
Here is the #1 cause of divorce, according to research. Perhaps the most dangerous of all the signs because it can seem so harmless: you have simply stopped talking about problems. Your goal, consciously or unconsciously, has become to avoid conflict at all costs. The problem with this strategy is that it drains all the life out of a marriage--often leading to a couple becoming more like housemates than life partners. When *was* the last time you made love?

2. UPROAR.
The opposite of #1: every conversation seems to turn into a fight. Each partner is stuck in a mode of interpreting every action, statement, facial expression, and tone of voice from their mate as an indication of attack (and thus inviting attack back). Paradoxically, some couples can abide this situation and continue to be close!

3. INTERLOPER.
It is increasingly common for a spouse to become close, at first innocently, with a colleague at work or an old love who has found them on the internet. The problem here is that a progression may occur, such that the partner is now sharing more intimately with the "friend" than with their mate. Beware! (Internet porn can also be an interloper).

4. CRITICISM.
This and the next three signs are called "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" by marriage researcher and author John Gottman, Ph.D., because, if all four are present in a marriage (to a significant degree), divorce is likely. Criticism, according to Gottman, is where one directs verbal barbs at the partner’s *character* (e.g, "you’re such a slob"), rather than at the behavior in question. Saying, "I wish you would pick up your clothes," in contrast, would not hurt the partner’s self esteem.

5. DEFENSIVENESS. This is a natural reaction to criticism, and is not so much of a problem--unless it becomes pervasive. Ideally one associates one's mate with positive feelings. If one expects criticism, however, one is constantly on guard and ready to defend oneself. Obviously, not an attitude that supports intimacy!

6. CONTEMPT.
Sheer poison to any relationship, contempt is most often conveyed non-verbally--with an eye-roll or curled lip and a voice tone of disgust. It may emerge after repeated attempts at problem-solving have failed. The effect on a partner is that they feel a complete lack of being valued by their mate. Never a good sign (unless you are a divorce atto
ey).

7. STONEWALLING.
Probably the most deadly of all the signs, stonewalling is where one partner (most often the male) simply "tunes out" their mate, in an attempt to convey that the mate has no effect on them at all. This strategy often appears after continued conflict without resolution. The partner being tuned out will feel crazy to the point of rage, and the stonewaller will feel deeply unhappy, helpless, and hopeless (under the impassive façade).

WHAT TO DO. John Gottman’s book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," is a good place to start. You may also email the author at love-and-work@comcast.net to receive a complimentary standardized self-test to assess the health of your marriage. Good luck!