It all comes back to confidence

I define personal authenticity as knowing who you are and having to the courage to be it in all situations without fear or compromise.

This is not always easy.

In “Authentic - how to make a living by being yourself” I wrote about a “dysfunctionality epidemic” where all sorts of damaging and negative behaviours can be traced back to individual insecurity.

At school most of us learn how to read and write and the capital cities of the world, but we learn precious little about ourselves or psychology. What we do learn we mostly learn in the playground.

1 - Don’t stand out.
2 - Don’t have an opinio

3 - Defer to anyone who seems physically or emotionally stronge
4 - You are not special

Of course we are not all equally affected by these lessons. How they affect us will depend on our underlying character, our appearance, support from friends and parents, the school we are at and so on. But most of us will, at least, recognise these lessons.

These lessons play out in a variety of ways in adult life, but always based in insecurity. Some will compensate for their insecurity by bullying and demeaning others in order to look better themselves. Some will seek to remain invisible by saying and doing as little as possible. Some will always try to say what they think other people want to hear - never expressing their true opinion. Some will be permanently defensive, taking everything as a personal attack. Some will just do what they are told even if it goes directly against their beliefs.

The global consequences of these childhood lessons are significant. Many cases of crime, violence, abuse and even war can be traced back to lessons learned in the playground. Even if the results are not so extreme they can play out in unfulfilled lives and unfulfilled potential.

While we are living in this insecure world it is difficult to recognise it, because we don’t know any different. It has been our life. How would we know that different is possible. Even if we can see the potential the journey can look terrifying and immensely challenging.

If you recognise any of these experiences in your own life let me assure you that the journey is more than worthwhile - it is essential. The discovery that their can be emotional peace, that there can be love, there can be fulfilment is liberating, empowering and inspiring.

If you recognise these fears in others you can help to reverse the lessons of the playground with praise, generosity and love.

The day that enough people in the world have the confidence to authentically be themselves is the the day that there is no more war, no more crime, no more violence, no more corruption.

We can all contribute to making it happen.

Confidence is an emotion, it is something we feel. We feel confident when we understand what is going on and when our abilities match or exceed the challenges we face.

If we polarise it we can see two extremes strategies to confidence. One is to stay within our comfort zone - avoiding exposure to unfamiliar or testing situations.

The other strategy is to continually expand the comfort zone to remain comfortable even when exposed to challenge and difference.

As a strategy the first example has it’s risks, firstly it is likely to involve living a very sheltered life and secondly there are no guarantees, no matter how carefully we plan, that we will not be exposed to challenge.

It is worth remembering that when we are pushed outside our comfort zone we all react in different ways. Some will hide in their shell or run away, others will become aggressive or defensive.

It is clear that in almost every situation confidence is a prerequisite to achieving our full potential. Self development is what we call the process of learning about who we are and building our confidence.

My own personal development, and the business and personal coaching I offer to others focusses expanding the comfort zone to encompass the broadest imaginable range of possibilities.

Of course part of confidence comes from experiencing lots of different things and becoming used to them. And this is also an effective mode of personal development.

However, I believe the foundation for a really broad self confidence starts within. It is the challenging, unexpected or misunderstood emotion rising from inside us that most often shakes our confidence.

In order to feel confident we need to experience, understand, interpret and learn how to respond to (not suppress) these feelings.

To do this we need to truly know our own emotional foundations. While we will already be well aware of these the more conscious we are of them, the more clearly we understand them the more confident we will be.

We need to know:

Our life purpose - this gives us direction and helps us understand what motivates us.

Our values - What we believe in and what is important to us, this helps us know our boundaries and our decision making criteria.

Our tastes - knowing who and where we prefer to direct our energy towards,

Our talents - knowing what we are good at and where we are better off getting help from others (teamwork).

Our vision - where we are going with our life.

Our strategy - how we are going to put all of this together in our life.

Our personality - how we behave in relation to others and how that affects them.

We can learn these things through a combination of experience, introspection and the wisdom of others through reading, courses and coaching.

What is critical is that we do it, both for our working and business lives and for our personal and love lives.