Forgive and Forget

Someone did you wrong and you’re angry; you’re not justnangry, you’re plotting a way to get even.You can’t wait tonsee that so-and-so, and turn the tables on him.

Nations do that, too, on a larger scale; Israelis attack
Palestinians in retaliation for a Palestinian attack whichnwas revenge for an Israeli attack, which was payback for anPalestinian reprisal, which was...You see where this isngoing.

We read about similar escalations frequently; perhaps you’venbeen a party to an extended personal battle with someone. Ifnso, who won? Not who was the last person standing, but whonbenefited and who lost as a result of the payback cycle?

No one won, if the definition of to win is to feel joy,npeace, calm, or any loving emotion. The best we can feelnwhile participating in a continuing cycle of payback is anbrief touch of self-satisfaction-nothing like joy. To feelnany of the strongly positive emotions requires forgiveness.

What does it mean to forgive? We usually think ofnforgiveness as a generous act which pardons another personnfor wrongdoing. In this context, forgiveness is directedntoward another, as in "I forgive you for saying hurtfulnthings to me yesterday." The forgiver then feels magnanimousnhaving granted a pardon to the sinner. Often we forgive onlynafter the sinner has contritely apologized; sometimes wenforgive expecting the apology.

However, one meaning of forgive is to give up resentment ornclaim to retaliation. In this context, forgiveness is notnabout another person-it’s about us. When I realize that Infeel better when I give up anger and vengeful thinkingntoward another, it makes sense that forgiveness is something
I give to myself, not something I grant to another. Whatnbetter gift might I give myself than peace, calm, andnserenity? We cannot simultaneously feel anger and peace. Wencannot be serene while planning revenge.

This definition of forgiveness-to give up resentment-givesnmeaning to "turn the other cheek." It’s not a passivenacceptance of more wrongdoing, it’s a turning away from thenevent altogether. When we give up our resentment and anger,nwe withdraw energy from the event-without energy, everynhuman act shrivels and dies. That’s the meaning of thenphrase, "what you resist, persists."

When we forgive a perceived wrongdoing by giving upnresentment and anger, we withdraw our energy from the pastnevent and preclude a continuing sequence of revenge,nretribution, payback, and reprisal-we literally starve thenprocess before it escalates.

Forgiveness is more than a magnanimous act of charity.
Forgiveness is a gift to ourselves-a gift of peace, calm,nand serenity. Forgive and forget allows us to move on tonactivities with positive potential-activities with thenpossibility of joy.