Love, Sex & Relationships - Monogamy is Unnatural & Responsible Non-monogamy Can Save a Relationship

It's difficult for many of us to see how responsible nnon-monogamy can save a relationship; fears andnmisconceptions about this emotionally touchy subject ncan interfere with understanding how it can be beneficial.
Although non-monogamy is not for everyone and is not nalways appropriate, below is a comparison of monogamy nand responsible non-monogamy. Note: cheating, lying, nunsafe sex, and promiscuity are not part of responsible nnon-monogamy. Complete and radical honesty with your npartner is, and that seems to be what’s most threatening nand challenging to many of us. n
With the custom of monogamy, you own each other, sort of nlike how you own property. Your partner is yours and if they neven look at someone else the wrong way anger and jealousy nare common. n
With responsible non-monogamy, a couple accepts that nowning the rights to each other isn’t love, but possessiveness.
What about the possibility of one of them falling in love with nsomeone else and abandoning the other? This can happen in nany relationship because you don't need to sleep with someonento fall in love with them. Furthermore, it seems that when two npeople are destined to meet and fall in love they will, nregardless of whether or not they are single or involved.

With the custom of a traditional commitment and monogamy, nfalling in love with someone means that fantasies (such as n“together forever” and “you are mine for the rest of my life” nand "grow old together") become expectations, and when nthey aren’t met it results in disappointment, heartache, anger, nand even divorce. n
A responsibly non-monogamous couple tends to accept their nrelationship as it is rather than how they want it to be or how nit’s “supposed to be.” They realize that if their relationship nfades or their partner falls in love with someone else, that's nthe way it was likely destined to be. If your relationship ends, nwouldn't you rather accept that there is a more appropriate nmatch out there instead of pretending that your existing nconnection is "the one" forever? n
With the custom of monogamy, when someone cheats it is nkept secret. Because monogamy and honesty are often nassumed in relationships, both the cheater and the person nbeing cheated on are at risk for contracting STDs. According nto statistics, over 50% of men and women in "committed" nrelationships cheat on their partners. Is assumed monogamy nrealistic or safe? n
With responsible non-monogamy, because there are no sexual nsecrets, a couple is more likely to discuss and practice safe sex.

With the custom of monogamy, based on the above statistics, nthe illusion of monogamy is much more important to many npeople than honesty. n
Responsibly non-monogamous couples, on the other hand, nplace more value on radical honesty because truthfulness nbrings them closer together. In light of this, responsible nnon-monogamy could potentially reduce the divorce rate nand introduce a deeper level of honesty in relationships. n
With the custom of monogamy, it’s common to blame nan ex-partner and their affair for the reason why the nrelationship didn’t last. It’s interesting to note that the npolicy of strict monogamy is never blamed in these nsituations, yet many who cheat appear better suited for nnon-monogamy. Truth be told, some people (both men nand women) feel like caged animals in long-term nmonogamous relationships. n
With the custom of monogamy, the topic of exclusive nintimacy often is not discussed, but is usually expected.
Is this always realistic or even reasonable, especially when nyou know the person has strayed in previous relationships nor sense he or she isn't the kind of person who would be nhappy being sexually exclusive with one person for the rest nof his or her life? n
That brings us to related topics: Can we honestly expect nsexual passion to last decades in all relationships? Also, nwhat happens if one partner loses interest in sex or if one nreveals, years later, that he or she really doesn't like sex and nwants to avoid it? Masturbation is not a good long-term nsubstitute for sexual intimacy.

With the custom of monogamy, you are supposed to be nattracted to your partner and only your partner. If you have ndesires for or fantasies about someone else, even if you don’t nact on them, they are kept secret. This form of dishonesty can ndrive a wedge between couples. n
With responsible non-monogamy, the couple acknowledges nthat we are all human and an attraction to someone else, nespecially during a long-term monogamous relationship, is nnatural.

A responsibly non-monogamous couple puts their ncommitment to each other and their relationship first so nan attraction to someone else is less of a threat. It is natural nto feel insecure or jealous if your partner is attracted to nsomeone else, and it’s going to happen whether you’re nmonogamous or not, but when a couple is open and honest nwith each other about the subject it’s a lot less likely to ncause a problem. n
What about children, you ask? Some responsibly non-nmonogamous and progressive couples create a "commitment ncontract," where financial arrangements and planning ncovering possible scenarios (together for 5 years, 10 years,
20 years, etc.) are agreed upon prior to marriage and before nchildren are conceived. A new concept? Hardly. Ancient
Egyptians had 5 and 10 year marriage contracts. If mutually nagreed upon, they would renew. Although it's not easy to naddress the subject like you would a business matter, it's nmuch tougher to do so later in divorce court. If two people nare unwilling to confront or unable to agree on these issues nbefore marriage it's a red flag for their longevity as a couple. n
With the custom of monogamy, sex is love, and if your npartner has sex with someone else, they've betrayed you nemotionally and it must mean they don’t love you anymore. n
Responsibly non-monogamous couples realize that while nlove can be expressed through sex, sex in itself with a nsecondary partner (if okay with all involved--including the nprimary partner) does not have to diminish the love already nestablished with the primary partner, nor does it put the nprimary relationship at risk, if the primary connection is nsolid. Something real cannot be threatened. This idea is nsimilar to having one best friend and many good friends; nyou don't expect your best friend to fulfill everything for nyou that many friends do. n
With the custom of monogamy, often it’s “No cheating or nelse!” n
Responsibly non-monogamous couples realize that giving nsuch an ultimatum is about as effective as telling your teenager nnever to drink alcohol. It’s more effective to discuss the issue nand to have a “no punishment policy" for your kids if they ncall you for a ride to avoid driving drunk or to avoid riding nwith someone who is drinking and driving. Similarly, such na policy for responsible non-monogamy will encourage nhonesty and can strengthen the commitment. n
Lastly and most importantly, if we cheat, even if no one finds nout, negative karma is incurred and we set ourselves up for a nsimilar situation to "happen to" us in the future. Whatever naction we take will, in time, come back to us, so even though nradical honesty in relationships may be difficult it is often the best policy. The eyes of truth are always watching us.

Copyright © 2007 Scott Petullo, Stephen Petullo