Love's Perfect Questions

Have you ever noticed how the work week tends to build up a dust of separation and isolation between you and significant other? You’re doing your thing. Your partner is doing his/her thing. You’re both busy, doing your best to juggle the demands of work, home, family, kids, money, carpools, workouts, homework, meals, cleaning … basically managing the constant demands of modern living. You already know from experience that it’s so easy to fall into the trap of living together and “missing” each other at the same time. If you’re not careful, this dust of separation and isolation can build up over time into lasting soot that discolors your relationship. The result is a loss of intimacy, love and connection.

Happy couples make a commitment to regularly wash away the dust and renew their closeness, affection and bond. How do they do it? One way is a weekly ritual practiced by couples across the land: Date Night. Dinner and a movie. A walk in the park. Drinks at the club. A romantic night in. You name it. Couples engage in dates of all kinds as a way to spend time together, reconnect and, hopefully, enjoy each other’s company. But let’s be honest … some dates are better than others.

What makes a date good or bad? If you think about it, it’s not the activity of the date; it’s the intimacy and connection inspired during the date that is all-important. If you’ve ever gone to a five-star restaurant only to get in a terrible fight with your lover, you know exactly what I mean. Similarly, if the intimacy, love and connection are strong, you can have a great date at the local burger joint. It’s not the activity. It’s the intimacy.

In a long-term relationship, getting to this place during a date can sometimes be difficult. This is because it’s not just you and your partner on the date. Each of you also brings a week’s worth (and sometimes more) of accumulated dirt to the evening. Stressors from work and family, hurts and wrongs felt during the week, unspoken needs that aren’t being met, hopes and fears around money, relationships and self. How can you wash these away and enjoy true connection with your partner? Like a lot of other important things in life, it gets a lot easier when you know what questions to ask.

Below are eight questions you and your partner can ask each other on date night that are guaranteed to rebuild love, intimacy, connection and trust in a matter of minutes. Some of the questions take courage to ask at first. It’s ok. Be courageous. They get easier with practice.

The great thing about the questions is that they help you let go of what you’re carrying around, often unconsciously, while building intimacy with your partner. The result is a couple that renews the foundation of their relationship and enjoys more love, connection and intimacy. Once you’ve asked each other these questions, you’ll find it’s much easier to really enjoy the activity of your date too.

1. Is there anything I’ve been making you wrong about?
2. Is there anything you’ve been making me wrong about?
3. What needs do you have that aren’t being met?
4. Is there anything that you’ve been trying to say that I haven’t been hearing?
5. What are you happy about in our life?
6. What do you want to be acknowledged for?
7. What are you committed to in your life and work this week?
8. What do you need to let go of in order to make that happen?

Use common sense when practicing this exercise. Here are some guidelines to follow:

* To begin, choose one partner to ask and the other to answer. Go through all eight questions. When you’re done, switch roles.
* When asking the questions, your job is not to judge, critique, or defend. Your job is to LISTEN. Just listen from a place of openness and sincere interest. If you find yourself feeling angry, hurt, or sad by something your partner said, let it go and listen more. If need be, you can bring it up after your partner has finished answering all eight questions.
* When answering questions, your job is to accept full responsibility for your life experience. Use “I” statements such as “I’ve been trying to say that I miss you running your fingers through my hair,” NOT “You never run your fingers through my hair.”
* To close, express your love and gratitude for each other and have fun on your date!

Try these questions out on your next date. You’ll be amazed at the level of love, connection, and intimacy suddenly “found” in your relationship.