Meeting the Other

Here’s an interesting phenomenon that I have seen occur time and time again. Someone comes into your office, looking for self-insight, recognizing that old patterns no longer work, and committed to stepping into their true self. You work with this person and engage in a wonderful and fruitful exploration that results in this person gaining clarity, self-direction and inner connection. Then this person enters a relationship… So very often this person ends up back in your office, looking a little bewildered, saying “What the heck happened?”

My Dad and I would sometimes look at each other, twinkles in the eyes and quote Jean-Paul Sartre: “Hell is other people”. I really don’t believe that to be true. I find other people to be much of what makes life worth living. But still, there are some days….

What is it about the “Other” that jams our circuits. That makes us lose sight of what connects us to ourselves. That can bring out our deepest inner Shadows in sharp relief. That can so often cause a wail to rise from our cores: “Is it ME?”

In pondering this question, I have come to a place of feeling that there are 3 types of dynamics that can take place between us and the Other: 3 Attitudes of Relationship that completely inform how the energy between us will flow. You see these 3 Attitudes in all aspects of relating from the personal to the global and their effects are profound on all levels.

The Enemy: I was struck the other day, listening to a news report on the radio that was describing another round of attempts to settle the troubles in the Middle East. The comment was made to the effect that peace talks broke down over the involvement of a certain country’s enemy. It occurred to me that, as long as we observe the “Other” as Enemy, there is absolutely zero possibility for resolution. The Enemy is the antithesis, the one that stands in direct opposition to one’s own position, more often than not with an intensely negative charge. It stirs up feelings of defense and fear, eliminating any chance for synthesis and positive, supportive relationship. In listening to the news report, I marvelled that we still use the language of “Enemy” (with the undercurrent thought that as long as we do, peace is impossible).

But the Attitude of Enemy is not exclusive to the world stage. It engages on the personal level as well. Road rage is the Attitude of the Enemy. As is yelling at the customer service representative who is unable to give a refund on a damaged item past warranty. Or the teacher who gave a child a failing grade. Or the partner who has a different perspective on joint decisions.

When we are in the Attitude of the Enemy, we are unable to see any connection between our own self and the other person in the dynamic or situation. They become an obstacle and challenge. They stand between me and what I want to attain, devoid of ‘personhood’. What I say or do and the effects of that upon the Other no longer matters. The end is all that matters, not the means to the end.

The Co-Human: Most of us live in harmony by maintaining the Attitude of the Co-Human. In this Attitude, we see a connection and bond with the Other in the recognition of a shared human experience. The Co-Human is one who walks a similar path, encountering many of the same experiences and emotions. One does not see the Co-Human as thinking or feeling exactly the same, but there is a commonality of experience that can, at the least, bridge any gaps. I may be from the West and you may be from the East, but we both went through being raised in our families (whatever they looked like), gaining an education (whether formal or not), trying to determine our place in the world (whether by choice or default). We both experience the same emotions, even though we may express them differently. We both move through the same life markers, even though they may be honoured and celebrated in vastly, vastly different ways.

There is an inherent respect in the Attitude of the Co-Human. One may not understand the Other’s language or perspectives. And this is not to say that there won’t be moments of anger, frustration or confusion. But there is never a point at which one loses sight that this Other is, as Iyanla Vanzant says, “a Child of God”, as are we all. That, within each of us, there is this spark of connection with the Divine that links us all together as we do the best we can to make sense of this path we walk upon this Earth.

This weekend, my husband and I watched the film “The Kingdom of Heaven”, a film which, for me, absolutely highlights the difference between the Attitude of the Enemy and the Attitude of the Co-Human. Centered around the 12th century Crusades, at its heart it is a film about the difference between fighting an enemy and protecting the people. As is said in the documentary about the making of the film, it is “a film that celebrates dialogue over war”. We may not agree with the Other, and the differences between us can be great indeed, but, where there is respect for Other, there is the possibility of dialogue. Dialogue is one of the 6 Principles of Celtic Reiki, defined by originator Martyn Pentecost as what occurs “when a group of individuals come together with the common desire of achieving some greater goal - an ideal that exists beyond themselves, with the understanding that this ideal can only be achieved by a ‘group mind’ or ‘transpersonally’.” In a nutshell, this occurs when neither of us is attached to being “right” and seeing the Other as “wrong” (which is what happens with the Attitude of the Enemy). It is about using the projected lasers of differing perspectives to illuminate a truth that is greater than either of the individual perspectives.

The Divine One: It is the ability to rise above differences and see that there is a larger Truth at work that allows for the Attitude of The Divine One. This is a beautiful, altruistic Attitude that literally sees no difference whatsoever between the self and the Other. It moves beyond the Attitude of the Co-Human to create a synthesis of any potential differences. This may be illustrated in the well-known parable of the blind men describing their experiences of a large animal by touch. One says “It is long and skinny with a tuft of hair that tickles my nose”. The other says “It is long and wide with a powerful grip that is hurting my fingers”. Another says “Are you mad? It is wide and flat and flaps around a lot”. And yet another says “I don’t know what you’re all talking about. It is short and stumpy and doesn’t move at all”. The synthesis of this discussion leads to the revelation of the elephant. They are all describing the truth, but it is a partial truth based on their own limited experiences. And the highest spiritual truth we know is that, if I were permitted to extend a metaphor, it is never the tail, trunk, ears or legs that define the experience. It is the whole elephant.

From the Attitude of The Divine One, when we gaze upon the Other, we truly see a reflection of ourselves. We are one and the same, made of the same stuff, engaged in the same awe-inspiring Cosmic Dance. From this perspective, differences fade away. They are inconsequential stuff. Does it matter if you like vanilla ice cream and I like chocolate? No. We love ice cream. We are One in the experience. Does it matter that I thrill to the language of Goddess and you thrill to the language of the Great Creator? No. We love the Divine. We are One in the experience.

If the expression of Enemy is war and the expression of Co-Human is dialogue, I believe the expression of The Divine One, is Tantra. In its most pure definitio
Tantra is a particular discipline of Eastern spiritual tradition which presents that the whole of reality is the self-expression of the Divine. The implication of this is that there is no differentiation between transcendent and immanent, between the spiritual realm and the mundane world. Though, in the West Tantra tends to be linked with sexuality, the true expression of Tantra is that of union through the understanding that nothing exists which is not Divine. One of my favourite science fiction books presents a beautiful illustration of this – and gives us a word to describe it. Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein is the story of Martian-bo
human, Michael Valentine Smith who returns to Earth with his Martian principles and tried to understand what it means to be human. He introduces us to the word “grok”: to understand something so completely that you become one with it. This is a completely Tantric concept.

We live in a world filled with people. Our days are involved in interaction after interaction. It is always up to us how to respond to the Other. Each of the 3 Attitudes outlined above will result in a very different experience of the Other. If we see the Other as Enemy, we will be defensive and fearful. If we see the Other as Co-Human, we will be open and interested, possibly learning something new about ourselves or the world. But if we see the Other as The Divine One, we allow the possibility of experiencing the phenomenon of the Divine in every moment, shifting the observation of Sartre to the transcendent possibility that “Heaven is other people”.