Midlife Crisis Coping- Don't Believe All Your Thoughts

Do we have thoughts or do thoughts have us? We as human beings believe that who we consider ourselves to be are our thoughts (also our emotions, bodies, relationships, possessions, history). We also believe that we have thoughts. Neuroscience and the wisdom traditions say something else – our thoughts have us. In a new free e-Book 25 Reflections on a Happier Midlife and Beyond, Dr. Frank Bonkowski and I explore this question and many others touching on "midlife crisis" and happiness. A recipe for depression Here's a recipe for depression... accept that what all your thoughts tell you are true. Actually, when I refer to thoughts, I'm referring to that "little voice" (noise) inside your head that's talking to you all the time - your "internal conversation." Up until, 1980 (I had a transformational experience), I didn't distinguish that "little voice" from who I considered myself to be. When I did, it gave me much more freedom and peace in my life. Imagine this situation... You walk down a street and on the opposite side you see a friend, who you wave and smile to. She doesn't acknowledge you and keeps on walking: • What feelings do you experience? • What is that "little voice" saying to you? The answer to these questions will vary from person to person. Our emotional reactions will depend on the interpretation or story we make up about the event. For example, we may say to ourselves that we must have upset our friend, in which case we may feel guilty. If we think, we've been ignored, we might feel angry. Our moods affect our thoughts, so that when we're feeling a bit down, we're likely to have negative interpretations and when we're feeling up, we're more likely to have positive interpretations. Furthermore, our negative interpretations can lead us to saying judgmental things to ourselves like, "No wonder I don't have many friends?"; "What did I do wrong?" Most of our suffering (depression, crisis) can come from believing our thoughts or automatic thinking, so that rather than us having thoughts, thoughts have us. Thoughts like... • "I'm not good enough." • "What's wrong with me?" • "What's wrong with them?" • "My life's not going the way I want it to." • "No one understands me." An effective practice to quiet down the “noise” There are a number of practices that I engage in that have me be more competent in dealing with this type of automatic thinking- the most effective one being mindfulness meditation, which I practice for at least 30 minutes each day. It consists of sitting in a quiet environment, focusing on my breath as it passes through my nostrils and as thoughts arise, I label them “thinking.” I then return to my breath and keep repeating this process. It allows me to relate to my thoughts like clouds passing in the sky or the noise of a truck passing. I don't get hooked as much. My relationship to my thoughts and feelings are much more accepting and friendlier, so that I have more space to be. It's a practice that I highly recommend to everyone.