Miscarriage- Awareness & Support

Never would I have dreamed that nearly sixteen-years after my own miscarriage, I'd be the author of a book about miscarriage, healing and recovery, and host of a website which helps women, and their families, who have suffered either one miscarriage-or more than one.

Yet, here I am, reading incoming posts daily at MiscarriageHelp.com, and responding to them with every ounce of empathy I posses. I am still deeply moved by each and every comment, and have been brought to tears many times. My heart nis connected to each woman who shares her deepest feelings. I know that will never change.

Why am I on this path? What planted my feet here? Why am I so driven to reach out to women who have miscarried?

Our past shapes who we are today. Although we can't live in the past, there are lessons to be learned from it. What we do with those lessons is completely up to us. There's no right or wrong. Simply follow your heart.

My path after miscarriage was one full of pain and adversity, loneliness and grief, isolation and dismissal. I felt there was no one to turn to who truly knew what I was living. One day I was four and a half months pregnant-and very much in love with my unbo
child-the next I was told my baby was no longer
'viable' and felt as if the rug had been ripped from under me. My whole life changed. The way I saw the world changed. My miscarriage left a stamp on my heart that never went away. Ever.

Eleven years and one divorce later, I was sitting at the kitchen table and was overcome with such a strong feeling it was impossible to ignore. I knew, without a doubt, I was meant to take my pain and growth after miscarriage, flip it around, and help others. I wanted to do everything I could to prevent nwomen from feeling like I did...alone, misunderstood, and like my baby meant nothing. I didn't want women walking into bookstores or searching online for a book to tell them they weren't crazy for feeling like they did, only to find books nabout having babies, not losing one to miscarriage. Yes, there were books out there...but I didn't find one that truly spoke to my heart.

Thus began my journey, which began with a small, downloadable ebook some five years ago. Several years later, I approached my publisher about expanding my book, I Never Held You, into a longer, more comprehensive paperback with tools and suggestions for healing. I didn't need to 'sell' my publisher the concept nof a book about miscarriage. The numbers already spoke volumes. Women from all over the world had downloaded the small ebook. There was a need-and I had more help inside to fill the void. The words spilled onto the page.

Not being one who believes in coincidence, a woman contacted me around the same time and left a very simple message on one of my older websites: "If there's anything I can do to help..." I went out on a limb, emailed and asked, "How'd you like to write the foreword and a few opening chapters for my new, expanded book about miscarriage?"

That woman was Dr. Linda Backman, Psychologist and Grief Counselor. I had no idea of her ability, talent, compassion and many years of experience in the field of grief, counseling, lecturing, and more. Had I known, I probably would have been too intimidated to approach her so boldly.

However...I believe everything happens for a reason.

Fast-forward to today. My book, I Never Held You, has been out since March of 2006 and I thank God every day for its success. More importantly, my website, MiscarriageHelp.com, has turned into a cyber-support community where women from all over the world share their heartbreaking feelings after miscarriage. They often reach out to others in pain. I am both amazed and touched by their strength and desire to help others-amidst their own tears.

Creating miscarriage awareness is my mission, along with helping those who have lived it. The United States is not the only country that tends to dismiss miscarriage and its aftermath. The lack of validation of a woman's grief after miscarriage seems an epidemic. Women all over the world are crying out, "Hear me, please! I have suffered a real LOSS- the loss of my BABY. Why can't you understand? Why don't you treat me like a woman who lost her baby and all her hopes, plans and dreams for her baby? I lost my baby..."

My journey has also taught me this: people with very good intentions just don't know what to say to a woman who has miscarried. That includes much of the medical community, too. While not meant to be a dig to any group, it must be said that the woman who has miscarried needs to be treated with the respect and dignity she deserves. Expressions like: You're young, you can always have another; It was meant to be; It's for the best-there was probably something wrong with the baby; do NOT help. They hurt. They do nothing to help a woman who just lost her child. The child she loved with all her heart, but never held. That's why creating miscarriage awareness is so important to me. The more people 'get it,' the fewer those dismissive comments will be. Subsequently, support will grow...and grow...and grow.

All I needed to hear were five words after I miscarried: "I'm sorry for your loss." That's it. Those five, little words do more than any well thought out phrases of 'comfort' ever could. They acknowledge a woman's grief and loss after miscarriage. They let her know her pain is real-as real as her baby was.

If you don't know what to say to a woman who has miscarried, either give her a hug or say, "I'm sorry for your loss." You need not say anything more. Whatever you do, please don't tell her to get over it, move on, or it was meant to be.

That's my story-or at least this part of it. It's also the story of millions of women each year who just want comfort and understanding after miscarriage. They simply want to be heard, supported, loved, and have their grief and loss recognized for what it IS-the loss of a baby loved, but never held.