*** Myths About Grief, Part 7

When you lose your spouse life feels very disorganized. All relationships provide a sense of structure, whether you think of it that way or not. Much of grief is really about coping with the lack of structure which manifests in the sad, empty space of what had been a significant relationship.

After the initial shock of early grief, grievers often find themselves driven to participate in a lot of new activities. This is tne seventh myth, "Put more structure in your life." This message very often comes from well-meaning friends and relatives who want only the best for you.

They see your pain. They too feel the huge gap in your life. When something or someone is missing, we humans tend to want to fill that space immediately. This empty space can cause anxiety and frustration and depression to emerge within the griever.

This myth can push grievers into a frantic desire for more and more structure in their life. The calendar can become more and more full or activities.

But grieving itself is very draining, both physically and emotionally. The exhaustion of grief, combined with this drive to fill every spare moment with activity is really a setup for extending the grief process rather than moving it forward.

Structure really does not heal the inner turmoil of disintegrating loss.

Your loved one is gone. There is a festering wound inside of you that will not be healed by structure. Grief is not an intellectual challenge to be strategized with structure and order.

The domain of grief is the heart, not the mind.

Structure is important, but not as a diversion from the pain of grief.

Let the structure of your life come from within you when you are ready. Grow your new life from the inside out. There is no right time to add more structure. There is only your time. Trust what feels right for you.

Learning to trust yourself is an important aspect to consider when encountering the eight and final myth covered in this series of articles on the Myths of Grief. "Socialize. It will take your mind off your grief."

In this final article in the series you will learn how to honestly look at your present relationships and how these may or may not fit into your new life without your loved one.