Nice Parent, Mad Parent

(This was written in 2002. Sarah is now a happy, healthy 11 year old.)

I received a very important lesson from my five year old daughter Sarah this morning.

In a moment of good humor and affectio
I decided to smother Sarah with kisses and love. So I called her from upstairs in a ste
voice, as if she had committed some big mistake.

Sarah emerged a moment later with a look of dread on her face. She fully expected to be in trouble for something and receive the ste
ess that goes along with it.

Of course I showered her with love and tickles immediately and all was right with her world again.

But that moment of misery that went with her thinking she was in trouble really hit me with an emotional wallop.

As I looked at her I recalled how as a kid it was fairly easy to divide the world into times where my parents were pleased with me and when they were angry.

Fortunately the pleased times far outweighed the angry times. But it seems easier to remember the angry times because they were so vivid and emotionally charged.

Not having any independent research on hand to confirm this theory, I went to a local expert on early childhood: my eight year old daughter Jillian. She used her skills as an independent consultant to more or less validate my findings.

I then drew upon my past experience as a high school guidance director and counselor for young children of divorce. It did indeed seem that kids who experienced what Psychologist Carl Rogers called Unconditional Positive Regard as youngsters had the highest levels of achievement and felt most secure in the world and willing to embrace a challenge.

Young kids see the world on an elemental level. Not having a great deal of experience to draw on, they tend to view things in black and white terms.

Nowhere does this seem to be truer than their relationships with parents and other significant people. Parents (and in this case Daddy) are either a source of comfort and joy or a source of shame and fear.

Of course young kids need structure and discipline, but the way in which these are administered is crucial.

If they associate being corrected with a sense of rejection and failure it carries life long implications.

If they associate corrrection with love and praise (for the correction itself), learning is connected to good things.

Very simply, I ask you to look at the way in which you present yourself to your young child. Do you present a loving, accepting never-ending fountain of affection (Nice Parent) or an emotional trap to be avoided (Mad Parent)?

Whatever your intention or frame of mind, your child doesn't understand the subtleties of emotion. They are looking to you for support and validation.

Will you be Nice Parent or Mad Parent?