Parenting Children with ADD and ADHD: Eliminate the Daily Arguments

When parents of children with ADD and ADHD reflect on their interactions with their children, many find that a high percentage of those communications involve negativity. Daily nagging, yelling, threatening, pleading, and punishing are not what most parents signed up for. These parents fear the next 12 years will follow this same, exhausting path. They wonder how other parents of children with Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder survive and they pray for a magic solution to make life easier.

For most, there will be no genie suddenly offering to make parenting children with ADD and ADHD a synch. Nevertheless, here are some tips to that bring positive results when applied consistently:

Take Charge
Parents have more life experience than their children and are meant to use that knowledge to guide their sons and daughters. Feel confident in that role. Although many children will rebel at first, they do not want the job of raising themselves and will eventually feel relieved and comply.

Create Routines and Procedures
Generate routines that help the entire family and especially children with ADD and ADHD anticipate what is expected of them. A schedule including time for homework, chores, and free time helps all family members plan their day.

• Empower children by giving them a choice in the matter. Would you rather do your homework right after school or just after dinner?
• Decide the way particular systems should work at home: dish washing, laundry, or where coats, shoes and backpacks belong.

o Choose only the number of rules or procedures able to be enforced.
o Present the plan and practice putting it into effect.

Stick to your Guns
Once the routines and procedures are created, parents will need to enforce them.

Every time parents of children with ADD and ADHD don’t follow through on a rule, they lose credibility. Children are smarter than most adults realize. Once they figure out that their parents won’t really DO anything to implement the new rule, children with Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder will wait out the anger and tune out words. They know that the storm will blow over and they will succeed in doing whatever they want.

Children with Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder need to see that their parents are serious about the new plan. This requires parents to be absolutely unyielding. Decide on some reasonable consequences for when children decide not to abide by the plan. Knowing the consequences ahead of time, helps parents to remain calm when their children act out and saves them from saying something they won’t follow through with like “If you don’t turn off the television and start your homework, I will take the T.V. away for the rest of the year!!!”

By creating a course of action, communicating it and not veering from it, parents are closing the door to argument. Children with Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder may try to battle with parents, but Mom and Dad can simply reply that the child has a choice: follow the rules or receive the consequence. No yelling, nagging or pleading required. Because holding out worked in the past, most children will continue the strategy. In order to keep the whining to a minimum, give them a time constraint. “Please show me your choice in the next minute or “x” consequence will begin.” Keep in mind that showing the choice means beginning to follow the plan not just verbally saying so.

Encouraging Participation
In order to facilitate the transition, plan to spend time with children to help them learn the plan and procedures. Talking and laughing together while doing chores makes the task more enjoyable for all involved.

Take Care of Yourself
When parents are overtired, hungry and stressed out, their patience is minimal and their strength to follow through is almost non-existent. Make your mental and physical health a priority and see the benefits in parenting the child with Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder.