Qualities to Look For in a Mediator

Every time we consult a professional we think about what qualities will make this relationship successful. We want a doctor with compassion and caring. We want a teacher with energy and enthusiasm. But what do we want in a mediator? Is it all skill and abilities? Is it communication? Because a mediator wears a number of "hats" it is not just one thing. A mediator is someone who, by nature of their role, has to be many things and today I will discuss three qualities that a mediator must have as a basis for their personality and attitude towards their work. These three qualities are sensitivity, insight, and commitment. These attributes can form the foundation for a mediation relationship with flexibility and adaptation.

Sensitivity is an essential quality for anyone in a helping profession. But a mediator who has not just one client but two and the weight of a family dependent on their efforts, must be sensitive to many points of view, agendas, feelings, and emotions. The ability to listen to the subtle nuances of different versions of events, heartfelt feelings of challenge and loss, and the words of apprehension and fear for the future is job one for the mediator. Just listening to words and facts will not allow a superior mediator to navigate the complex waters of even the most basic of divorces.

When couples come to a divorce mediator they bring the events, communications, and feelings that have transpired over what can be a long time. Sifting through all this "baggage" requires a mediator use insight to see beyond simple facts to see the real picture of a marriage. Insight is the ability to find an essential truth from a multitude of sources.

Commitment is the final quality I want to discuss and it is certainly the most important. The foundation of any therapeutic bond is commitment.

Commitment manifests itself in the energy and strength a mediator brings to every session. It is what carries a mediator from the first consultation, through custodial and financial settlements, to the conclusion where both parties walk away and begin new and different lives. Commitment is the one quality that a mediator cannot be without. Without commitment, a mediator, despite his or her skills, will not succeed.

When you choose a mediator look for someone who listens with empathy, makes order from the chaos of life's complexities, and pledges to stand with you and work with you until both parties are in agreement. When you find a mediator who can fill these requirements you will know that you have taken the first step in what is destined to be a successful and life changing process.