Ravished by Midlife

As I was considering a title for this article, I wanted to find a verb that would express what's on the 'other side' of the midlife transition. I guess that I'm in quite a good mental state right now, because before I knew it, I had found the perfect word: ravished. It's a word that touches a number of very different -- and quite contradictory -- places in my psyche depending on the context and how I perceive the subject matter that I'm talking about. It can mean that I'm seized and carried away, like the spoils of war, or it can mean being taken over in a rapturous or ecstatic sense (the original meaning of enthusiasm: being overcome by a divine spirit). When I write about midlife, most often, I comment on the damage that the changes that men undergo at midlife can do to them when they're not managed well.

That's not the whole story, though. In fact, the effects of the midlife transition are really hardly more than side effects that accompany the main event. Unfortunately, too often the side issues capture so much of the attention that the main event gets completely eclipsed. The whole idea that we expect the word 'crisis' always to follow after the word 'midlife' should exemplify what I mean. That's also the reason why, whenever possible, I try to avoid the term 'midlife crisis.' It would be similar to expecting that 'accident' must always follow after the word 'automobile.' Just as we need our focus to be on the benefits of the automobile and avoiding accidents, our focus, in the case of the midlife transition, needs to be on what it means to be ravished by it -- taken over into a higher and more fulfilling stage of your personal evolution -- and on how best to avoid screwing this critical transition up by allowing it to degenerate into a crisis.

Right now, I want to re-focus your attention on your future: the passageway to which you've already begun to transition. How frightened would you be if I were to introduce you to a future where you were essentially liberated from others' expectations, a future where you would be at home in your skin, a future where you had the strength and freedom to embrace fully your personal destiny and where setbacks had little or no effect on you? I would very much hope that, regardless of how much such a prospect might make you nervous (like going up on a stage to receive an award), I certainly hope that it wouldn't deter you from getting up out of your seat and taking your rightful place. In fact, 'coming into your own' always involves stepping outside of your comfort zone. That doesn't make it a crisis, though, does it?

Whether you're a man or a woman, your destiny awaits you on the other side of your midlife transition. There's nothing to fear about walking boldly into your maturity. By this time, you've probably experienced (to a greater or lesser extent) most of the great mysteries of life -- both the ecstasy and the pain. Neither will be all that new to you, regardless of the form or extent in which they will appear from this point on. What will be new to you will certainly be the breadth of freedom that maturity affords you. As midlife ravishes your body, your emotions, and your mind, you have the opportunity to redeem not only your own life, but also the lives of your parents and your children. You have the chance to transform all the apparent missteps of your life into an experience of profound healing, strengthening and re-focusing.

Despite the traps and obstacles that litter your way, wisdom suggests that you would want to look forward toward completing the midlife transition (although the process itself continues throughout your time on this planet). I love to compare your taking mastery of your destiny with learning to surf. I can imagine few activities more dynamic than riding a huge and powerful wave. Each wave, each ride, and each rider is unique: the wave — like your destiny — provides you with power and direction; as the rider on the ride, you have full control of the gifts that your wave presents you with. You can't make your wave become anything other than what it is, but, within that context, your ride depends totally on your mastery and skill.

Until midlife, you're merely hitching along on someone else's ride, on someone else's board, with someone else's vision of where to go and how to get there. It's entirely up to you whether you're going to focus your attention on the joy and thrill of the ride, or on such extranea as what could happen to you along the way, why you didn't get to ride your own wave until now, what you might look like to other surfers, or where you're going to end up when all's said and done. Are you aware of what happens to surfers who allow their attention to drift away from what they're doing? That's right: wipeout! So now, dear friends, surf's up!