Relationship Conflicts - Part 3

CLEANLINESS AND ORDER vs. FREEDOM AND RELAXATION

Anna and George have been married for a number of years. They have each settled into their own stances conce
ing various matters on which they do not agree. One of those is just how clean and in order the house must be. Anna’s standards are much higher tha
George’s. He too has a need for the house to be clean and in order, but not to the same degree as Anna.

When things are not "perfect," Anna feels uncomfortable; she cannot relax. She thinks, "What if some unexpected guest came in now, say my mother, or even worse, my mother-in-law? How would they judge me as the woman of the house? What will they say about me?" Anna has been programmed to believe that her self-worth is dependent upon her role as wife, mother and housekeeper. If she is not good at these in the eyes of those around her, she feels she is a failure.

She was also programmed to believe that the order and cleanliness of the house is exclusively "the woman’s responsibility," her job and no one else’s. Now that she would like to occupy herself with other activities, she feels used and abused, as well as resentful that no one else, neither George nor the children will help out with the house cleaning. She feels like a slave whose needs are not considered or respected.

On the other hand, Anna has never learned how to express those needs. Until now, she never thought the others might be able to help, thus she has programmed all of them with the same belief, that they have no responsibilities in the home, that the home is exclusively her responsibility. Consequently, they do absolutely nothing to help. She herself has created this situation with her beliefs and behavior, never really allowing the others to help, because "the children have more important things to do" or because "this is not a man’s job" or perhaps because she was also afraid of losing her role as the perfect housewife.

George and the kids, on the other hand, could probably be gradually awakened to the idea or sharing some responsibilities so that Anna could be freer. The fact is that they do love and care for her. The thought has simply not been discussed or absorbed enough. But even if they did decide to help, it is very possible that each has a different concept as to what is in order and what is clean. George may be perfectly satisfied with the quality of cleanliness and order that exists. Anna, on the other hand, viewing exactly the same room, may feel uncomfortable and even angry that George is not helping. George believes the room is fine and in addition to that, he has other priorities which he feels are more pressing than spending more time on even more cleanliness and order.

Before discussing some of the possible dramas that might take place in such situations, I would like to say that the choice of the female in the role as over-conce
ed about order is only arbitrary. I have met a number of cases in which the roles were reversed with the husband desiring more order than the wife. Such a situation might also exist in an office, store or any professional environment.

What usually happens is that Anna starts to complain (directly or indirectly) and emits negative energy in general, perhaps pressuring the others, criticizing them, or even blaming them conce
ing matters of order and cleanliness. The others begin to feel pressure as well as rejection, perhaps even injustice. This usually creates the reaction of resistance and consciously, or more often subconsciously, they become even sloppier, more disorderly and less cooperative. This is a defense mechanism.

As a result, Anna has two problems and the "mess" seems even more unbearable. One problem is that she does not have the order she needs in order to relax inwardly. The second is that she now feels even more rejected and abused. She thinks, "They have not responded to my plea for help. They do not respect me. They do not love me."

This causes her to feel even more hurt and unhappy, which can lead her into either of two directions. One is to close off from the others and feel lonely, mistreated, rejected and unloved. The other is to become even more aggressive, demanding, and unpleasant. In both cases, her relationship with George and the family has lost its harmony. No one is really happy.

Everyone involved needs to learn to communicate more openly, honestly and more frequently, not allowing emotions to build up so that the only way they can be expressed is in a negative manner.

Anna, probably, never really believed she would get help. She was never programmed to believe that the woman of the house could ask for and receive help from her husband and children. It is unlikely that she saw such positive role models of equality as a child. Society has recently started to become conscious of such a possibility. Thus, it is very likely that she never really "asked" for help, but more likely that she simply complained or blamed the others or expressed her negativity in other ways.

We will get more positive results when we seek help believing others will surely come to our aid and that we deserve their help or that, since they love us, it is natural for them to want to help. Then we will feel very comfortable asking. If we start out by blaming them for not helping, for being insensitive, and irresponsible, it is unlikely others will happily respond.

Anna will need to work on her belief system and her role programming, as well as learn to communicate more positively. She will also benefit by understanding that the others too have been programmed and that she, to a large extent, has been responsible for programming them. It will not be easy for them to hear what she is saying at first because what she is asking is incomprehensible to them.

It may take time, a great deal of time. If she realizes this, she will not feel that "they do not love her" when she does not get the response she would like to have. She will have to learn patience and to be more sure about her self-worth, so she does not feel rejected and unloved so easily. The others do love her, but they may not be able to change their programming or behavior so quickly.

This mechanism is often found in situations where one member of a relationship, family or any grouping has been playing the role of the strong, capable or responsible one for a long time. He or she is the one who handles all the problems, can be counted on for everything, and most importantly, "has no needs." Then, at some point, this "strong one" gets tired of taking on all the responsibilities for the group (or relationship) and would like some help from the others, but it will take some time before the others can realize that he or she really does need help. The "strong one" will feel hurt, rejected, thinking, "I have given so much. Can’t they think of me now and help?"

They can and they will, and all will benefit by this change in roles, but it will take time. The "strong one" has programmed them into believing that he or she has no needs, and that they can sit back, become irresponsible and depend on him or her. In this way, all suffer. The others lose the opportunity to grow to develop their abilities and the "strong one" gets caught up in his role, until at some point, he or she wears down his or her nervous system and vitality.

George and the family, on the other hand, can try to listen more carefully. Anna may or may not be expressing her needs clearly. Since they love her and care about her, their job is to try to get to the core of what exactly is bothering her. She has some needs that are not being fulfilled and this is making her unhappy, otherwise she would not be expressing herself in this negative way.

They can learn to sit and listen and talk with her, ignoring her accusations and going deeper in order to understand what she is feeling and how they can help her. They may not be able to change their programming about how clean the house must be, but they can surely reaffirm their love and respect for her. This is probably much more important to her than the orderliness. She needs to know that they love and respect her.

The family can have a meeting once a week where each member can discuss his or her feelings and needs and ask for help and cooperation from the others. When they have need conflicts, they can try to find practical solutions that will satisfy each of them to some degree. Perhaps there are small or even large actions that they can take to help each other. They can raise our standards for order, while Anna also works on feeling comfortable and secure with less. This is why they are together, to learn from each other and to come into balance.

We tend, however, to do the opposite. Anna’s obsession with order makes them become sloppier, which in turn makes Anna even more compulsive. The answer is for one to become more interested and the other less. They will all grow through this experience.

Relationships and families are life situations that can function as schools for love. If we do not let go of our ego, our selfishness, our smallness and open up into love, we will continue suffering over and over again. Without love there is no harmony, no happiness. We have two choices. We can look at our relationship problems as opportunities to learn more about ourselves and grow free from our imbalances and change. This change will be a movement in our own spiritual evolution. It will be a movement from I and mine to we and ours, from ego-centeredness to love. The other option is to continue suffering. n
From the book "Relationships of Conscious Love"
http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/ebooks/index.aspnby Robert Elias Najemy