Relationship Tip: Create Closeness With Small Repairs

We all know what it feels like when you have something you need to talk about with your partner. You can’t help chewing on it while you’re driving or trying to fall asleep. You try to tell yourself it’s no big deal, but the hurt lingers and makes you feel annoyed or distant. But it’s not only the big problems that are worth talking about. Sometimes it’s good to take time to repair the small bruises of day to day life. Small repairs can lead you to understand new parts of your partner and create unexpected moments of closeness. “I learned about a new kind of brat today,” said my husband as he turned off the stove. “You know, like military brats and oil company brats like me. Well, a guy at work told me he’s a missionary’s kid. He went through a lot of the same things, never knowing where home is, always having to make new friends.” “Why do you call them brats?” asked Kristina, as she sat down at the kitchen table. “It’s just an expression. It just means kids,” said John. “But why brats?” I guess it’s not surprising that a 14-year-old would not consider “brats” an obvious synonym for “kids.” “I don’t know! It’s just an expression.” “But you’re not a brat.” “Yeah,” I added, “We’re not sure exactly what you are, but you’re not a brat.” “Good one, Claire!” Kristina high-fived me and dissolved in giggles. I felt quite pleased with myself. After all, it is not often that I excel in the witty comeback so highly valued in high school freshman society. Then we noticed John was scowling at us. True confession: At that point, we really started to laugh. I felt like I was transported back to middle school myself. The more disapprovingly the “teacher” looked at us, the more our laughter took control. Until Kristina and I were collapsed on the table with tears running down our cheeks. Later on when we were alone, I decided I better check in with John. He said he felt picked on at first. But then he understood it was one of those ‘opportunity jokes.’ You make the joke because the moment arrives on a silver platter and it’s begging you to make it, not because you really believe what you’re saying. And he also actually enjoyed watching “his girls” have so much fun together, even if it was at his expense. (Whew!) Was my little repair necessary? Probably not. Chances are we didn’t have to worry about any lingering resentments on this one. It would have been forgotten by the next day. But I was still glad I asked. John was touched by the attention to his feelings. Then we started talking about other times when one of us feels like the outsider. That’s a common reaction in families, and it can take on a life of its own without people realizing it, so it’s good to pay attention when it comes up. Naturally, John can feel like the odd man out when Kristina and I bond over girl stuff. Or when he has to navigate the sensitivities of two females at the same time. Sometimes, I feel left out when they talk about video games or anime, or just because they have the blood bond. Don’t think I’m saying you should make an issue out of every paper cut in your relationship. Too much talk about problems is as bad as too little. But the right dose of small repairs can create nice moments of closeness. And make your partner feel loved and attended to. When you both feel that way, you’ll find you need major repairs far less often.