Risk Taking And The Quality Of Our Lives

n I was watching a DVD the other night, The Astronaut Farmer, and it really made me think. As implausible as the actual story was, the myth it portrayed in human terms was of great value. Perhaps the very implausibility of the story was what made the truth behind the myth stand out to begin with. It was the tale of Prometheus told in modern, technical terms, and upon seeing it, I began to ask the questio
"What, do we really risk in our day to day living?"

To risk, to "hazard loss, injury, or danger." In our lives, we risk, in order to gain. Think of the example of investing. Investments are even categorized by level of risk and expected return. The greater the risk, the greater the return. But in the pursuit of more aliveness and joyful living, what kind of danger is it important to risk? The risks we customarily take are usually the wrong ones; to risk our bodies, for instance, for no good reason. Sometimes on the way to pick up the kids at school I risk my life by speeding so I won't be late. My very life! And for what? To say I kept my word? What a hollow honor. We ride our bikes and cross the street, risking our very lives as well, simply to go down the road, or to get to the other side. And yet, when it comes to risking our self-image which always leads to more aliveness, or letting go of fear which always leads to experiencing more joy, what do we ever risk? In the field of anesthetizing ourselves to our own inevitable futures, look at the success of the insurance business and those statistics will tell you that we pay a great price to make it look like we're minimizing a thousand risks that cannot be minimized.

Truth is, there is only one kind of risk worth taking, and it is worth taking on a continual basis, and that is a risk of the heart. It could be to risk saying "I love you" to a friend, or a loved one, when in all cases of the heart, rejection is always possible. Yet if you think about it, even in this case, the risks we are taking are illusory, because what happens with rejection anyway? We don't get something we already don't have! What's the risk in that? Seems like a net zero loss to me. Or another truly "worth it" risk is to risk asking for what we want. We don't have it now, so what's the risk? Embarrassment? A dent in our self-image? Maybe our inflated self-importance is something that needs to be dented periodically! So why do we resist risking in such ways that just might give to us more aliveness, when in the long run, if we don't risk, we won't have that aliveness anyway?

Our avoidance of real risks, or to risk that which matters most to us--our self-image--usually manifests as a desire to stay away from feeling embarrassed or uncomfortable. Yet, in truth, the most embarrassing and uncomfortable act we can imagine might just happen to be, in reality, not to risk! Especially when depending upon the outcome, we think we might end up "looking bad." But looking bad to whom? Invariably, in all cases, when I acted the "fool" and stepped out based on my heart intuition, even though I was filled with dread, and full of the fear of looking bad, and in fact thought I did look terrible, every time, without exception, the feedback from friends and community has always been, "Hey, I wish I had had the courage to have done, said, or been that which you did." Their reactions were the exact opposite of what I expected to happen, yet they happened! And even though this validation has been proven out time and time and time again, every time I am confronted with the imagined loss of some part of my "looking good" self-image, or how Tom has to look in order to look, well, like a good Tom, I still feel the pull to "hold back" or I hear that little voice that says "don't do that." A "good" Tom! When in truth, even I don't know what a "good Tom" would really look like, because all I have is what I am, good or not! And what else can I look like but the best me I can be, since I'm the best person in the world at being me anyway, regardless of what I do! What powerful, yet sadly inaccurate stories our minds reign in our aliveness with!

In looking at this experiment my own life is, and after getting over the shock of how I was being in relationship to risk taking, I then had to ask myself, "What was I, right now, really risking on my path with heart so that I might experience more aliveness?" What, really? At that time what I came up with was some safe books I'd written, and an incredibly useful seminar series, and then hadn't put myself at emotional risk to get that material out there 100%? Yes, I tried doing 99%, and then backed off, saying I thought maybe the timing wasn't right, or some other mumbled reason for failure to follow through and give that one-hundred-no-nonsense, percent of me. No, what I was doing was risk management in terms that could not, given what I realized, be justified a single moment longer. We will someday die, so there is in truth only one thing we can risk, and it isn't our human forms, our bodies, but it's our spirits. When we put our spirits out there, then we are truly alive and truly risking ourselves. That's when I began to really put myself out there, and risked, and began a marketing program that would make my work available to as many people as possible, so that I could fulfill my intention to make a difference in as many people's lives as I could possibly reach. In short, what I began to risk was myself. To give up what I was, to then become what I could be.

As always, more realizations flowed out from the original ones, expanding upon the ideas that came to me. The difference this time was that I was willing to make use of them. We can go along our lives for years and years, wanting relationships with others in ways that we do not have them, risking nothing by not having them. In going back into my history to see where I had used this information effectively, I saw how when I was twenty-eight years old, after doing some incredibly powerful transformational work, I threw down the gauntlet with my father and risked it all by telling him that I would no longer stand for our relationship being the way it was, and so it had to shift into something more loving. As I hugged him, he literally pushed me away and said "I've been waiting for you to say that!" I, the son, had to teach the father. Encouraged by powerful others, that was one of those times when I took a true risk. I also saw how I did not do it alone. Such is the value of community. When we won't go the gauntlet ourselves, it's invaluable to allow others to coach us on doing do. Even after all the work I've done I still look to coaches for many things! I then sought out a local community of like-minded people who would support me in completing my goals, and who I would support in achieving theirs.

To this day, day by day, every time I throw down the computer keyboard and take up a chess game with my kids, or to walk or talk with them, and give them truly the only gift they really want from me anyway, and that is my time, or me, I am risking. I am risking not doing what I want, so that I might devote my life to a greater purpose, that of loving, and of doing what we want. Because, from whatever perspective I ever see from, it always seems as if in the long run, if there actually is one, it's that coming together as Oneness that is the only thing that matters to us as human beings whether in family, friendship, or community. With the point being to spend loving time together, regardless of what we are doing in that moment, because it's not what we did, but that we did it together that makes the difference to us as human beings in all of our relationships. And is it not that doing it together itself that defines what relationship is to begin with and also what it means to authentically relate? Quality time with those we love: now that's a real risk worth taking!