Sacrificing Ego for Results

I was at a workshop recently where the facilitator contended that the purpose of the ego is to save us from anticipated future pain.

Hmmm...

The more I thought about this, the more sense it made. Ego can show up in a lot of different ways: refusing to debate a point; plunging INTO a debate fiercely intent on converting the other person to our viewpoint; shrugging off well-intended (and often well-thought-out) feedback; stating your opinion as if it were unarguable truth; taking offense if someone doesn't ooh and aah over article we've written...the list goes on and on.

And why does the ego push its nose into these situations? If that workshop facilitator’s view is accurate, maybe it’s because the ego is trying to protect us from the “pain” that could come from acknowledging that we really don’t have a defensible position in a debate; that broadening our viewpoint to accept another’s ideas will create emotional turmoil for us; that we were in too much of a hurry to produce a quality product; that not everybody is going to appreciate our efforts.

This, of course, leads to the question: Just how much have we been giving up by allowing our egos to get in the way of expanding our horizons, improving our performance, or being willing to take prudent and appropriate risks? Unfortunately, the answer to this question is probably, “Quite a lot.”

On those occasions when our ego dictates our actions, we’re actually sacrificing results for the temporary feeling of safety and comfort. This is really bad news. If we’re unwilling to risk looking awkward or unaccomplished in any way, then we’ll only play to a level we’re comfortable at. While comfort is....well...comfortable, it’s impossible to grow beyond our current abilities if we refuse to accept feelings of discomfort. All you have to do to see this in action is to think of any type of lesson you’ve taken as an adult. Whether it’s becoming a better singer, learning to speak French, or figuring out how to use technology to market your business, learning a new skill is necessarily an exercise in looking temporarily inept.

Since it’s been said that confession is good for the soul, here’s my latest personal experience with the phenomenon of letting ego control actions.

I’ve discovered that one of my key strengths—and a way I provide huge value to my clients—is asking probing Discovery questions. In the process of answering these questions and discussing the answers, my clients often experience powerful, sometimes disconcerting insights into where they are and where they want to go, how they tend to get in their own way, and what they can do to get into purposeful action.

I told my Mastermind group that I was considering offering these Discovery questions for sale as a stand-alone product. I thought this was a good idea because it would generate additional revenue by providing a high-value, low-priced product. It also seemed an easy first step in getting people to experience and value what I have to offer so that it would be more comfortable for them to later spend more money on my high-end services.

I was looking for kudos and agreement. Instead, I got rather emphatic disagreement and a challenge. My Mastermind colleagues were of the opinion that I was contemplating this action not from strategy, but from fear. They challenged me to consider whether I wanted to offer a low-priced product because it would be an easier sell, based on price point, than my high-end, highly customized programs. They also pointed out that the price I was considering was way low, based on the value of the product.

My ego promptly reared its obnoxious head, getting defensive and trying to defend its position. Fortunately, my Mastermind colleagues are also very caring friends, and they wouldn’t let me get away with saying that this was necessarily a smart move. Instead, they gave me space to acknowledge that the underlying fear about offering only programs whose price included a comma was a classic one: “What if I throw a party and no one comes?” They also kept me from undervaluing my work.

Double hmmm...

So it got me to thinking: What are other warning signs that progress is about to be derailed by ego?

1. Get belligerent when someone challenges your view.
2. Make unflattering mental comments about someone if they disagree with you.
3. Blame others when an idea of yours does not work as planned.
4. On those rare occasions when you do ask for input, ignore it.
5. Use “I could have if I’d wanted to” as a reason for not even trying to do something big (i.e., scary).
6. Respond to many comments with, “Yes, but...”, so you don’t have to acknowledge the other person is making an excellent point.
7. Have big ideas but rarely do more than talk about them.
8. Insist that your excuses for inaction are legitimate reasons for not taking risks to grow yourself or your business.

Some of these are distressingly familiar to me. ACK!

Between getting challenged by my Mastermind friends and processing that experience, I’ve learned several lessons:

1. Be willing to ask for feedback. It’s not always going to support your views, and that’s okay. It simply gives you a chance to identify potential weak spots in what you’re proposing to do.
2. Choose carefully when it comes to the people from whom you solicit that feedback. The reaso
I could tell my ego to back off long enough for me to consider my Mastermind feedback was because I’m totally confident these women have my best interests at heart. There is no playing “Gotcha!” in this group.
3. Don’t automatically assume that someone else’s views are necessarily better than your own, just because they come from an objective source. Sometimes it’s a fine line between “This is my ego defending me, and I get to tell it to shut up ” and “This is my gut knowing that I’m doing what’s right for me, and I get to listen to it.”
4. Learn to identify your personal warning signs that you’re about to start leading with your ego. (For me, it shows up two ways: as an almost physical tightening in my whole head; and an immediate response of “Yabbut...”, which represents me marshalling my defensive arguments to prove why I’m “right”.)
5. Ego keeps you playing small. I’ll only grow by trying new things, and I can’t learn new things without feeling at least a little awkward to begin with, and if I’m unwilling to push through some temporary discomfort, my inner big person will stay trapped. Not okay with me.

As you can see, I’m not preaching to the choir, I’m preaching from the choir. So the question, fellow choir members, is this: What do you choose to do? Are you going to keep your ego pacified by playing small and safe? Or are you going to tell it to take a flying leap so you can step into something big and beautiful?

A final note: The story about my Discovery questions had a happy ending after all. I considered all the valid points raised, whether by myself or my colleagues, then I modified my original idea. Rather than selling my Discovery questions for a very low price, I actually decided to give some of them away as part of an irresistible free offer for people opting in to my mailing list. BUT...The give-aways are only the skeleton of the Discovery process. Instead of getting the five dozen detailed, nitty-gritty questions my clients get, people opting in get only about 20 questions that offer a 30,000-foot perspective—valuable, yes, but not nearly as actionable as the detailed Discovery questions that my paying clients get, and obviously not providing any opportunity for a rich discussion and exploration of the answers. So far it’s working out great (people are signing up and telling me the product is valuable), and I feel good about the process I went through to reach this decision. Score: Kathleen 1, Ego zero. Woohoo!

(If you want to see what I’m talking about, get your own copy of Get Off The Hamster Wheel: A Blueprint for Taking Action Now, available at www.steppingintobig.com.)