Saying YES When You Rather Say NO Harms the Relationship. Make a Change and Stop Sabotaging Your Intimacy

Learning to say “No” is an important step forward in improving your quality of life and relationships. Often, those who can’t say “No” within a relationship (or, for that matter, with new dates even before a relationship has been formalized) are often those who can’t say “No” in other situations in their lives. Saying YES when you rather say NO harms your relationships. The only effective way to begin saying “No” is to begin saying it, and to stand by what you say. Why could she never learn? Good writers are just like good psychologists: they know to characterize their personalities in detail, whether they write novels or detectives. Hakan Nesser, for example, a Swedish detective writer, author of “The Mind’s Eye” has this to say about one woman in his roman: They spoke on the phone. They were going to meet on Saturday for the fourth time. He would pick her up straight after work. They’d go for a drive, if the weather was anything like reasonable, and then go to his place. He was adamant that he wanted her to stay the night. Only half an hour after leaving her, he’d called and made the arrangements…And she had agreed to all the plans, of course. Said she was looking forward to it. She had second thoughts, almost before replacing the receiver. Why hadn’t she said that she had a previous engagement? Why had she been so stupid to say yes to a man she didn’t want? Why could she never learn? The reason the woman described in this short paragraph sounds so real is, that she resonates many others just like her, who say “yes” when they rather say “no”. So the question is, what makes them not be true to themselves (and nor to their dates)? What makes them ignore their own intuition and succumb to doing things they rather not do? What drives them to continue such a submissive pattern time and again? Academic studies on motivation show that different people who exhibit a similar behavior might have different reasons for behaving that way. Nonetheless, the reason for this woman’s behavior can be generalized to many who behave just like her: in all likelihood they are driven by neediness; by a huge urge to be loved; by a burning wish to have a partner; and by a fear of loneliness. The problem is, that when they are led by such issues and don’t dare saying NO, they hinder any possibility of developing and maintaining a truly healthy and satisfying relationship. And more than that, no matter on how many dates they will go and how many relationships they will try to develop, the likelihood of succeeding strives to zero. Why many find it difficult to say “No”? Those accustomed to saying “Yes” even though they rather say “No” might find it difficult to change this tendency of theirs. The reasons are many: 1. Many find it difficult to change patterns of behavior they have been used to for so long. They are scared others won’t love and appreciate them if they change themselves or say NO; 2. Many are driven by fears which lead them to behave contrary to what they actually want; 3. Hopes, expectations and fantasies about an intimate relationship often drive people to behave in self-sabotaging ways. 4. Low self-esteem pushes many to act according to what they think others want them to behave and be, rather than according to their own wish. How to say “NO” when you mean it? Learning to say “No” is an important step forward in improving your quality of life. It will enable you to live your life the way you want to live it, rather than living it according to what others wish for you and expect of you. Often, those who can’t say “No” within a relationship (or, for that matter, with new dates even before a relationship has been formalized) are often those who can’t say “No” in other situations in their lives. Regardless of the numerous reasons you might be accustomed to saying “Yes” when you rather say “No”, the only effective way to begin saying “No” is to begin saying it, to stand by what you say and to practice saying it in more and more situations. You can begin with “small things”, taking small steps to saying “No”, on issues you know are not the most important ones to those around you. You can then continue on to more essential issues over which you feel strongly that you better say “No” rather tha “Yes”. These can involve risk-taking, since you may now begin to say “No” regarding some situations to which you have been used to saying “Yes” (for specific examples use your own background and experience). Be prepared that your date, partner or whoever interacts with you might try to push you into saying “Yes” again, as the two of you have been accustomed until now. But maintaining your strength, composure and conviction that “No” means “No”, is uttermost importance in your success at changing patterns of behavior which have until now harmed your quality of life and eventually your relationships as well.