Selfish is Not a Four Letter Word

Most of us have heard at one time or other that 'selfish' is a bad thing. We're supposed to share. We're supposed to think about other people's feelings. We're supposed to sacrifice sometimes. Selfishness is something to overcome, not practice. I don't buy it. n
There comes a point in every person's life when it is of great benefit to examine such teachings. Why is it 'bad' to be selfish? Why is it that we should put others first? Why is it that we think that by being selfish, we're somehow hurting someone else? I suppose that as a child, learning to share is a very good thing. As we grow older, we find that sharing is not only a good thing, it plain FEELS good too. But these are not opposite terms. Learning to allow ourselves to be selfish may just be one of the better virtues. Because, it seems to me, that if you know when to be selfish, it allows you to have more to share. Allow me to elaborate ~n
A dear friend recently contacted me to ask for some help. He was in a good place, one of deep introspection. He was looking for a bit of perspective as he travels this road he finally has the courage to travel. I've known him for a million years (not kidding!), so it was no surprise that he called me. (Well, that's not entirely true...but I digress...) As he spoke of his current state of affairs, explaining in bits and pieces the many twists his life had taken, he used words like 'duty' and 'devotion' and 'honor'. It was clear that he was struggling with some of these things, but hadn't yet found the clarity he was searching for. After several conversations and quite a few emails, it dawned on me that the words 'duty' and 'honor' were coming up a LOT. So I offered him a perspective that probably made him a little wary about his choice of 'counsel'. I offered it anyway.

I asked him if he'd ever considered what it was HE wanted. I asked if he always made his choices based on what other people needed or wanted from him. I asked him if he ever had moments when he dreamed of being free of responsibility, duty, and the roles he plays each day. And then, just so he didn't miss the point, I said, "are you ever selfish?"

I know this stunned him for a moment. I heard the pause when I asked the question. He did respond after a bit, and said that no, he didn't think so. He said that because of what he'd experienced in earlier stages of his life, and his previously destructive behaviors, he'd decided that he had been selfish long enough. It was time for him to put others first. AND, he'd stuck to that credo for almost 20 years. WOW! That was all I could say.

After a few more minutes I shared something I'd heard from an author I greatly admire. She'd said that in the Mandarin Chinese language there are two words for 'selfish'. One is used with mean-spirited, malicious intent. The other with profound connection to Spirit. In English, we have only one word. Is this why we confuse it's meaning? Can it be that by knowing the difference, we can choose to be selfish for the right reasons, knowing that in so doing we have more of ourselves to give? Can it be that we can finally BE selfish with the joyful knowledge that it is a GOOD thing?