***Sex, Lies, and Online Dating

Written By: Jim Duzak

Boomers returning to the dating world after divorce or widowhood have to deal with something that probably didn’t exist the last time they were single: online dating sites. There are literally thousands of such sites, ranging from mass-market sites with millions of members to relatively small “niche” or “affinity” sites catering to those who only want to meet people of certain ethnicities or religions, or those who want to meet people with similar hobbies, pets, incomes, educational levels, or whatever else you can imagine. Some sites are free; some charge fairly hefty monthly fees. Some sites require lengthy questionnaires to gauge compatibility; some pretty much let you put up any information you want and fend for yourself.

Given the bewildering variety of online dating options, it’s difficult to generalize on the subject, except in one respect: you can’t always believe what people say about themselves in their profiles. People lie. They lie about their age, their height, their weight, their occupation, and their marital status. And when they’re not out-and-out lying, they distort the truth or parcel out the facts selectively. They don’t tell you that they’ve declared bankruptcy three times, or have been sued for fraud, or are a registered sex offender. They submit hopelessly out-of-date pictures, or even try to pawn off pictures of other people as their own.

Of course, not everyone lies, but lying and deliberate misrepresentation—not to mention self-delusion—are so common in online dating that you have to proceed with caution, often extreme caution. Otherwise, you might not only waste a lot of time corresponding with people who aren’t what they say they are, but you could be seriously victimized by such people. The most common form of victimization involves financial scams, but people have been stalked, sexually assaulted, and even murdered by people who falsely portrayed themselves online.

But don’t look to the law for the protection you need. For all practical purposes, there is no meaningful Federal regulation of dating sites, and most state laws on the subject simply require sites that do not independently verify the truth of statements made by members to disclose that fact. And that’s to say: practically all dating sites.

Realistically, the only ways to participate in online dating and yet protect yourself from predators and con artists are: 1) not to give out identifying information to anyone you meet online until you are absolutely sure he or she is “safe”; and 2) to cut off all communication immediately with anyone who asks for money, makes inappropriate sexual suggestions, or raises other obvious red flags.

Most dating sites, to their credit, make it difficult or impossible for members to include certain kinds of identifying information in their published profiles, such as complete names, street addresses, and phone numbers. But that protection is worthless if you voluntarily give out such information to anyone who asks. Even giving out your e-mail address can inadvertently disclose your identity, especially if it’s a work address (e.g., johnson.sally@xyzbiocorp.com), or if your e-mail address shows up in a google search. There’s nothing rude about preserving your anonymity until you’re completely comfortable with the person you’re corresponding with. And a person who tries to pressure you into a premature disclosure of personal information is raising one of the red flags I just mentioned.

Probably the reddest of red flags is a request for money in any form, including requests for air fare for the person to come and visit you. Virtually everyone who makes a financial request has a complicated explanation about how he actually has plenty of money but it’s temporarily tied up in some court matter, or he’s waiting for the probate court to approve his wealthy aunt’s will, or some similar cock-and-bull story.

If someone ever gives you a story like that, don’t even reply to him. Instead, notify the dating site’s administrator about the situation, and demand that any future attempts of that person to contact you be blocked.

You should also nip in the bud any communication with someone who comes on to you aggressively in a sexual way, especially if your profile gave no indication whatsoever that you were looking for an “intimate encounter.” Not everyone who sends inappropriately sexual messages is necessarily a predator, but why take a chance? Once again, the site administrator should be notified immediately, and a block put on future communications from the person.

Sad to say, anyone getting involved in online dating has to have a healthy dose of skepticism, and has to be prepared to take swift and sure measures if there’s the slightest hint that his or her newest “friend” is nothing more than a smooth-talking (or smooth-typing) con artist.

But, despite all that, there actually are good people—plenty of them—on every one of the dating sites. And without online dating, you’d never in a million years meet them in your everyday life. (I actually met my wife over thirty years ago from a personal ad I placed in a newspaper, which essentially was a pre-Inte
et version of online dating). The key to finding the good people is to balance your skepticism with a cautious optimism that the system will eventually work for you. But in the meantime, pay attention to those red flags, because if you don’t protect yourself, no one else will.

You may respond to Jim below or email him at jduzak@boomer-living.com.

Tags: boomers, dating sites, deliberate misrepresentation, scams