Something Old, Something New for Your Marriage

"You have to work at your marriage every day." I'm sure you've heard people say this. Sometimes my own clients tell me this. I know what they mean. But I have a confession. The idea of working on my marriage every day feels like a real downer. When you're going through a time of stress, marriage can be very hard work indeed. But that's not the way I like to think of my marriage day to day. Of course, I know we need to give our partners time and attention every day. I'm all for that. Obviously. But I need a different word tha "work" to make me feel good about it. And a trip to the past gave me an idea of what it might be. An occasional pastime of mine is reading old self-help books. I get a kick out of reading the advice our parents and grandparents got about marriage. The other day, I found these bits of vintage marriage advice in my archives: 1883: Study your husband's interests. 1902: Take your wife on walks and show her sights that will interest her and amuse her. 1911: Don't make your husband search the house for you. Listen for his latch-key and meet him on the threshold. 1940: Make the love you have found and which means so much to both of you your religion. This is the tonic that keeps both young. Now that last one makes me feel like a bit of a slacker. How about you? Actually, I think all of these specimens stand the test of time. Are you struck by how active these instructions are? They're about doing, not talking. They're about trying to make your partner happy. Nowadays, we're more likely to hear you can't make someone happy; you can only make yourself happy. Maybe that's overstated. And lets us off the hook a little too easily. I like the idea of "being active" about my marriage a lot better tha "working" on my marriage. That I think I could do every day. It reminds me not to just passively putter along. Which we all know is so easy to do when you get comfortable with each other. And maybe I should encourage my clients to be more active, too. If you know me, you know I focus a lot on understanding your own desires, especially emotional desires. Everything that happens in your relationship starts with a desire. Everything in your life, for that matter, but let me try to stay "on topic" here. In order for your partner to really know you, he has to know your desires. And while it might seem like a simple thing, expressing desires is more complicated than it looks. It's easy to feel like you're saying what you want when you're actually criticizing or complaining. Making a simple, honest request without some kind of negative spin or hidden message is an art. I see this as one of the skills we have to learn to have a modern, post-1970's marriage. We want to connect as individuals, not just do our duty as society prescribes it for us. And you can't do that without communicating about desires. But in my pursuit of the new, emotionally connected marriage, maybe I've neglected something old but important. Taking action. Doing those things we know will fulfill our partner's desires. And yes, even trying to make our partners happy.