Surviving Infidelity: Dealing with Feelings of Shame and Failure

For many people who are surviving infidelity, one of the most common thought that flashes in their head is that somehow, one way or another, there must be something wrong with them, they must not be good enough in some way because if they were the infidelity never would have happened.

These feelings are oftentimes made worse by problems that you may have been having before discovering the affair. Perhaps your sex life wasn't all it could have been (or it was non-existent), perhaps you fought more than you would have liked to, perhaps you were so busy that it was hard to make time for each other or you were unable to let go of grudges.

A classic (and very public) example of this occurred when Eliot Spitzer who was then Governor of New York was found to be using the services of prostitutes. His wife, Silda, in a painfully candid moment seemed to actually take on responsibility for the affair by saying something along the lines of "It's a wife's job to please her husband and obviously I was failing in that department".

Now, I don't know what the real story of the Spitzer's marriage is, but I do know that, in addition to all the anger and betrayal one feels when its discovered that your partner is having an affair a sense of responsibility for the betrayal is quite common.

In some ways it shows some maturity to feel this way. It's a tacit acknowledgement that your relationship was having problems and that you had a role in creating and perpetuating those problems. Its very rare that I have worked with a couple where there wasn't plenty of blame for an unhappy relationship to be spread around to both partners.

However, all relationships have problems. And we all make our own choices on how to deal with those problems. Having an affair is a decision made by one person. I can't say this strongly enough - YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE INFIDELITY, ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. Having problems in a relationship does not give one license to have an affair. The affair is your partner's responsibility; not yours.

It's very easy to talk yourself into believing the affair is your fault. Because of this it's very important to watch your self talk. Every time you find yourself going down that road tell yourself something along the lines of:

"Its not my fault, there are all sorts of ways to deal with problems in a relationship and deciding to have an affair isn't one of them. It's a choice s/he made, not me".

And be sure you smile when you say this to yourself.

Now, you probably are going to have your doubts about what you are saying to yourself and you probably are going to feel even less like smiling, but there is a method to this madness.

With enough repetition and the right emotion our brains believe pretty much anything we tell them. If you very sadly say "I'm so ashamed, I'm not good enough" forty times a day you are going to feel sad and ashamed and like its your fault.

However, if you say what I suggest while smiling your brain will not only come to believe it but actually feel pretty good about it. Remember the fake smile exercise I described in the section on anger and depression? That feedback loop will cause your brain to think "not only do I believe this, but I am starting to feel pretty good about it too." Try it, it works!

Surviving infidelity is never easy, but practicing these simple techniques will help you to get beyond any sense of shame or failure you might be feeling.